Yesterday I shared a post on my personal Facebook page. It was just one of those silly lists from a pop culture site, called 15 Things Adoptive Parents Don’t Want to Hear. I noted that as adoptive parents we had heard many things on that list. An old friend commented that she is isn’t sure how to respond to adoptive parents because those kinds of lists tell people what not to say, but she doesn’t know what she should say. She recalled an awkward conversation that she had with me at the beginning of our adoption process that I honestly don’t remember. I thought that was a fair point, and and I also wanted to explain why wording matters so much in conversation with adoptive families. 

When we began the adoption process, over and over again I was asked “Couldn’t you have a real baby?” Over the years this question has morphed into “Does he know about his real mom?” thrown in among other even less tactful thoughts. I am happy to answer questions about our adoption, but the way that those questions are worded, particularly when they are asked in front of my son, is extremely important.  I’m going to share some numbers to try to explain why: 

There are approximately 52 weeks in a year. Let’s estimate that I have this conversation with someone once a week, which is actually a very low estimate, because there are most certainly weeks when I have it multiple times a day. We adopted our son 7 years ago. 

52 weeks over 7 years. 52 x 7= 364. 

That means I have had this conversation a minimum of 364 times in front of my 8-year-old son. 

He has heard over 300 adults imply in whispered voices that I may not be his “real” mother. It is not hard to change that word to “biological,” which is the word you are looking for. Although, funny enough, almost every time I have corrected someone it has been met with a similar reaction. A wave of the hand, a shrug, and, “Oh, you know what I mean, though, right?” 

Yes. I do know what you mean. And I know that your intentions are not to hurt anyone. This one conversation might not hurt him. But, although this may be the only conversation you ever have about adoption, we don’t get the luxury of walking away afterwards. This won’t be the only conversation he overhears. He needs to hear me correct you. I’m (mostly) not doing it for your benefit. 

If it comes up twice a week, that will be over 1,800 conversations by the time he’s an adult. 

Could you hear something 1,800 times and not start to wonder? 

Similarly, we are often told how lucky he is. This is meant to be the highest form of a compliment directed right at me. Every part of me knows that. I truly do. I know I am supposed to smile and say “thank you.” 

I hope that Nicholas reaches this conclusion for himself one day when he looks back and reflects on his adoption. I hope he feels as blessed that he has us as we do that we have him. But this child is anything but lucky. Many children who have been placed for adoption have endured horrific things before coming to this place. Please, please, please do not call them lucky. It can be incredibly confusing to a child who is going through some of the worst days of his life, losing people he loved, possibly processing the aftermath of an abusive situation, to hear adults constantly telling him how lucky he is when inside he feels anything but. Just tell us as adoptive families you are glad we found each other. 

I am not just being over-sensitive. Words do matter. They are the things that Bibles and wedding vows and Declarations of Independence are made of. They are the single most powerful tangible thing on the planet. So, yes, the way that you phrase things around my son regarding his adoption is extremely important. It will help shape the man that he is to become.

I just ask that you please tread carefully. 

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I don’t think I have told you guys this yet, but I have been working pretty hard lately on getting healthier and losing weight. While I wouldn’t consider myself morbidly obese or anything (I currently wear a dress size 10 or 12) I do need to lose about 30 pounds, especially after the health concerns that I started having last year.  

So I have been working with a very supportive group of friends who are also trying to get healthy and we are downloading calorie counting apps on our phones, swapping recipes, checking in on Facebook, and starting our days with warm lemon water. I’ve also joined a gym and have been going just about every week day. I’m taking Zumba classes, lifting weights, working my way through the 30 Day Shred at home, and learning to love the elliptical. 

At this point it’s coming off very slowly (like a quarter of a pound per week or less slowly), but we’re a few months in and I have lost a few pounds, and several inches. More importantly, I feel really great. 

However, I have to admit, trying to eat well in the winter is not my favorite. We are often stuck in the house and when it’s cold outside I want something warm and filling. 

Plus, I got very tired of salad very fast. 

So, I came up with this turkey chili recipe, which I have made every week since. I really like it because there are a ton of vegetables, it’s filling, it tastes good, and the calorie count is low, which means I can eat more. 🙂 

Low Calorie Turkey Chili 

• 1 pound of 99% fat free ground turkey (680 cal)
• 1 medium onion (40)
• 1 green pepper (24)
• 1 jalepeno peper (26)
• 2 grated carrots (50)
• 2 15oz cans of Hunts seasoned tomato sauce for chili (350)
• 1 tbsp chili powder (22) 

The numbers in the parenthesis represent the calorie count: 1,192 for the entire pot. This recipe makes 6-8 servings, depending on how big you make your serving, at about 150-200 calories each. 

Dice the peppers and onion (removing the seeds and ribs from peppers if desired) grate the carrots. 

Add the fresh vegetables to a 5 quart pot like this one with 1/2 a cup of water and cook on medium heat, stirring until the onions are translucent and the peppers start to get soft.  

Add ground turkey and chili powder. Break up the meat with a wooden spoon to brown the meat. 

Before the meat is cooked completely through, add two cans of tomato sauce. 

Turn down the heat and simmer on low, stirring occasionally, for at least one hour, until the liquid has evaporated and the chili has thickened to your desired consistency. 

Adding a cup of pinto beans will add about 245 calories to the pot. My family doesn’t dig beans in their chili.  Obviously, if you choose to add extras like cheese or sour cream, that will alter the calorie count as well. 

If you would like to see more of my favorite recipes (I have to admit, not all of the ones I pin are diet-friendly. Hey, a girl can dream, right?) be sure to follow my I Like to Eat! Pinterest board. 

Follow Stephanie {Binkies and Briefcases} ‘s board I like to Eat on Pinterest.

I know I have been pretty silent on the clothing front for a while and some of you have some questions. I’m sorry about that. There just really hasn’t been a whole lot of news to report. I’ve been getting some comments and questions asking if I’ve heard from Target since this post. The answer is yes, I have. 

Before the holidays they send a box of winter clothing for my children, which was a very kind gesture. The attached note said, “Hi Stephanie. Here are the options we pulled for you- New short styles will be coming in early 2015. Looking forward to your thoughts. Best,” and it is signed from a representative of Target. The package included some pants and long sleeved shirts for each of my children and a few sweatshirts for Penny. They said they plan to send some shorts for me to review this year. 

I also told you back in the fall that I had started working on a documentary project called Seamingly Obvious, which was about the issue of over-sexualization in the girls’ clothing industry. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to reach our goal through crowd funding, so if that project is going to become a reality we will need to explore other avenues, like grants. In the meantime, we were able to make a fairly significant donation to the American Psychological Association so that they can continue to do further research and shorter film projects like this one:

Around the time that all of that was going on, you might remember, I was also diagnosed with a lesion in my brain. Well, I’m very happy to be able to tell you that I’ve been to the neurologist and had my results analyzed and it appears to be nothing more than some built-up scar tissue from years of migraines. It just so happened to form on an area of my brain that was pretty inconvenient, as it affected my balance and vision for a while before we got my medicine sorted out. But it seems that I’m all good now. I’m allowed to drive again, which is a big plus.  I still get some wicked headaches occasionally, but it’s nothing I can’t live with. 

Finally, my last piece of big news for you today is that we are moving my mom in with us. She pointed out to me the other day that I have not mentioned this yet on the blog, but it’s true. Our house has been under construction for two months, and we probably have several months yet to go. If you have been following my blog for a while, you know this has always been part of our long-term plan. We are now in the process of converting our basement to an in-law suite. (It’s going to be nicer than that probably sounds. We’re not just sticking her in the basement, its going to be an actual full-scale apartment with its own kitchen, laundry, etc.) I will share some pictures of the construction soon.  

Well, I think now you’re finally all caught up. 🙂