Dear God,

I know you are the one doing this to me again. This time it’s really not funny. I don’t think that it is coincidental that just two days ago Eddie and I had discussed the possibility of fostering or adopting another child and decided not to do it for at least a few more years so that we could use this time to concentrate on Nicholas (of course Abby too, but I mean focus on Nicholas’ difficult issues) and then the same day there was a computer glitch that caused me to get an unsolicited (meaning it was sent to me even though I hadn’t contacted them) out-of-office automatic reply email dated a month ago from the Diakon foster care agency here in PA. And now today I get an email from a social worker I emailed a year and a half ago who did not get that email until yesterday?! And she is writing to give me more information on how to foster children in Pennsylvania. Are you serious? Don’t you think you are being just a little bit pushy?

There is kind of a lot on my plate right now just dealing with the first child you brought us out of the foster care system. (As you are aware, I just had to take a break from writing this because he was running around stark naked.) Is this your response to my Call for Suggestions? To add another one? (or more) Not funny. Not to mention that, as I am sure you are fully aware, Eddie’s heart is not open to this right now. In the future if you are going to be calling on us to do these kinds of things do you think you could go through him? It would be really great if I didn’t have to worry about being the middle man again.

If this is what you really want then fine, but it’s not just up to me. This time we both are going to need a lot more convincing, sorry. Hope you understand.

Love,
Steph

Ok, here is the deal:

Background:
I know I’ve mentioned on this blog before that our 3-year-old son has a lot of issues. Specifically, he has a sensory processing disorder that is similar to an autistic child. (but he is not autistic because he does not have any social issues.) So basically certain textures really bother him and he is very particular about some stuff, like the way his blankets are arranged on top of him at night and he also has sensory-seeking behaviors, like throwing himself into walls. But that is the small issue.

The big issue is that he “probably” (only in quotation marks because psychologists are hesitant to give the diagnosis based on his age, he actually has every marker for this disorder) has Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is not unusual for kids who have been adopted out of foster care. It means that he has trouble bonding to us as his parents, specifically to me as his mother, and he has A LOT of rage and resentment in his little body.

So that leads to behaviors like throwing chairs at windows, trying to smother his baby sister, attacking the dog, toppling the television, smearing poop, biting, kicking, scratching, and other unpleasantness when he is alone with me. When he is around other people, especially people he doesn’t know well, he is usually the sweetest well-mannered little boy you’ve ever met.

Now, we knew this was a possibility going into this adoption and we accept and love our son very much. But I have run out of ideas.

What I’ve Tried so Far:
–Enrolling him in Early Intervention (it’s a government program for children with special needs)
-Occupational Therapy
-Play Therapy
-Psychoanalysis
-Reading biblical and secular parenting books
-Taking parenting classes through our church and the community
-Talking to the pediatrician
-sticker charts
-weighted vest
-heavy blankets
-a gluten free diet
-time outs
-spanking (at the recommendation of the pediatrician !?!)
-trying to enroll him in art & music therapy, but I was told he is too young.

The Problem:
Nothing works. Like, nothing. At all. No matter what I do it continues to get worse.

And so…
If anyone has dealt with these kinds of behaviors and has specific books or techniques that have worked for you I would love to hear from you because I am officially at my wits end. Giving up is not an option, but I can’t just tread water until he turns 18, which is what it feels like we are doing at this point just to keep him safe from himself.

If you have any suggestions please email me at stephaniegiese@aim.com

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right now my husband is in Virginia at Shenandoah National Park because his job as a highway engineer has taken him on a 3-month-long journey along the east cost to inspect these guard walls.

So he is here:

I stole these pictures from his Facebook page, isn’t it beautiful?

And I am in central PA dealing with this:

and this

Yes, earlier this morning Nicholas climbed the entertainment center and the top shelf fell down causing the television, the dvd player and the satellite receiver to come crashing down. I swear that boy is hiding horseshoes in his Pull-Ups because the fact that he did not get hurt and nothing broke is nothing short of miraculous. I had to call my friend Rebecca and ask her to come over with her daughter so we could clumsily try to put this mess back together while three toddlers ran around the living room.

I am trying hard not to be jealous and resentful and throw myself a big ole pity party because it is only going to get worse over the course of the next few months. Because we have a son with a severe attachment disorder stemming from his time in foster care (which is not because his foster mom was not amazing, because she was.) who goes around the house at midnight “looking for fathers” now that his daddy is gone, who won’t sleep at night unless one of our guy friends spends some quality time with him during the day, who has started smearing poop on the furniture again since Eddie left, who asks me on an almost daily basis if he can “go live at daddy’s new house” because he doesn’t understand that this situation is not permanent, and who has such rage in his little body that at 3 years old he can topple a television that is so heavy that I can’t pick it back up by myself.

I understand that Eddie would much rather be here and that he feels guilty and awful about what Nick is going through. His role right now is to provide for our family and my role right now is to look after these children…

But REALLY???!!!

I am not trying to sound unappreciative because we really have received a lot of help from family and friends who have been so gracious to take care of our yard work, babysit for a few hours, invite us to diner, and help me put the entertainment center back together, but no matter what anyone does they just can’t take the place of a spouse.

I just simply cannot do very basic things like cook, do the laundry, keep the house clean when there are therapy appointments, preschool meetings, dog baths, and toppled televisions to deal with.

Last night after the kids were asleep I watched a Lifetime called the 19th wife. Afterward I joked on the phone with Eddie that maybe polygamy wasn’t such a bad idea because with my husband gone what I really need right now is a wife.

So…remember how I told you that I got some money for my birthday and I was specifically instructed to buy something for myself.

Well, thanks to my new friends over at The Sisters 4 say More Is More I have discovered this amazing online boutique, Shabby Apple.

They are a company specializing in women’s dresses that are really cute, fit the shape of a true woman, and are modest at the same time. They have tons of adorable vintage-inspired dresses. (They also have plus sizes, mommy-friendly and cute swimsuits and even some dresses for little girls.)

I tend to only buy classic pieces because my clothes stay with me for a long time. (I might currently be wearing pajama pants that I got for Christmas when I was a freshman in high school.) And I struggle to balance looking cute and put together with being comfortable and looking appropriate for work or just being a mom with two kids without looking frumpy. Usually frumpy wins. I am in love with these dresses and I am so planning to use my birthday money to splurge on one (or two if I get the less expensive ones.)

Their prices are pretty comparable to Ann Taylor, but they have a much wider selection of dresses. I LOVE dresses because they are so easy to just throw on and they make you look like you put a lot more effort into getting ready than you actually did.

Look how cute:
all pictures are from Shabby Apple

Best of all, most of them are machine washable. That is actually why I haven’t shopped at Ann Taylor in a while, everything I own from them seems to be “hand wash only.”

I think I have decided on these two because I could afford to get them both (and The Sisters 4 are right, more is more.) The gray one I can easily see myself wearing and will probably become a staple, the green one is more of a risk because I’m not really sure I can pull that off, but a splurge is a splurge, so I think I’m getting it anyway. The company does free exchanges, so we’ll see.

Update: I lied. I got this one instead.

and I got 10% off just for joining their email list. Yay! 🙂

Yesterday was my birthday and it was AWESOME. My mom spent the night the day before so she was here to help me clean the house and get the kids ready for church in the morning. Abby wore her new sweater dress and got tons of compliments on it. Someone even asked me where to buy such an adorable outfit!

Then we made spaghetti & meatball cupcakes, which are just regular cupcakes with the icing squeezed from a ziplock bag to look stringy with strawberry jelly & malted milk balls on top. My grandparents came and brought a cake and we ordered pizza. So there was a lot of this:

and these:

I had a little fake-out because in the afternoon the doorbell rang and when I saw it was a guy about my age my heart skipped a beat thinking Eddie had come home, but it was my friend Kirsten’s husband dropping off a candle order I had placed with her because she is a consultant for For Every Home.

I got lots of cards, phone calls, and Facebook birthday wishes and gifts from family included a closet organizer that I had asked for, my new Serger (which is actually an early Christmas present but it happened to come this week for my birthday), money that I was specifically instructed to spend on myself, new earrings, and then there was the best gift EVER….

At about 6pm everyone had just gone home and I was giving the kids a bath when the phone rang. I ignored it because I knew it was Eddie calling from VA where he is on the current leg of his business trip and I figured I could call him back after bath time, but he just kept calling (3 or 4 times in a row) so I went and got the phone thinking there might be an emergency. Well, he told me he had just asked a friend to drop off a special present for me on the front porch. I told him it was just going to have to wait a second because the kids were soaking wet and naked, so he waited on the phone while I got them dried off and in their pajamas.

I went outside to see what it was and there was a Target bag sitting outside the front door. I bent down to pick it up and someone yelled “Happy Birthday!” I looked up thinking I was about to see our friend Josh (because he probably would have been the one Eddie asked to do a favor like that) but it was EDDIE! He had rented a car and driven 5 hours round trip even though his team had worked that day. He was only able to stay for about 3 hours, but HE CAME HOME!!! I have never cried tears of joy in my entire life until that moment. I didn’t even cry at our wedding, but I could not stop crying.

Oh, and what was in the Target bag? A new camera! He had gone to several different Targets because apparently it was sold out in VA, to get the Nikon L110 I wanted. He bought it from Target instead of another store because they had it on sale this week.

Eddie got to spend some time with the kids and tuck them into bed (poor Nicholas cried and begged his daddy not to go back to work again) and then we got to spend some time alone and play with the new camera and share some of my left-over birthday pizza & cake before he had to leave again.

Sigh. I’m starting to rack up a few birthdays over here, but that was the best one yet.

I hope the high lasts quite a while because it will make it easier to go back to reality and situations like this morning when the dog decided that 7am was a great time to dig this hole

which led to this bath

which made the tub look like this:

which left me scrubbing the tub and amassing a huge pile of filthy towels that now need to be washed while Nicholas unrolled an entire roll of paper towels so that he could get the “telescope” from the middle and Abby choked on a baby wipe because she has a weird obsession with eating baby wipes.

But at least I got to play with my new camera in the process!