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To The Mommas of The Special Ones on The Hard Days

January 16, 2015 By: Stephanie82 Comments

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This post was written by a mom of a little boy with special needs. She really captures what it feels like and makes other moms feel understood.

I understand. That’s all I want to say today, really. 

And I wanted you to know that you are not invisible. 

I know it is the kind of hard that no one else can fathom. 

I know you felt a knife rip through your heart and a wave of relief flood your soul the moment that a doctor or a therapist confirmed what you had already known for a while, but maybe hadn’t been quite ready to admit. 

I know that the novel that sits by your bed at night is not really a novel at all, but a stack of paperwork to be read and signed and returned. 

I know that the first time you walked into that therapist’s office you felt like you must have failed somewhere along the way. But I know you didn’t. Because there you are, sitting in the office waiting room, doing everything you can do get support for that very same child that you think you are failing. 

I know that it is so hard not to harbor resentment in your heart.

I know that you might have had to give up a promising career because there are so many daytime appointments now where a guardian needs to be present. I know that it is putting a strain on your relationship with your spouse. I know that sometimes you have to count the minutes until the end of the play date because it is difficult to be around other mothers while they talk about issues that seem so mundane in comparison to the cards you have been dealt.

I know that your weight is probably different now than it was before you got the news. It might be because you have been going to so many appointments every week that dinner comes from a drive-thru more often than it does not. It might be because you are eating your feelings, or it might be because you have been so sick with grief over what could have been that your appetite has disappeared completely.

I know that you might need a little bit of time to grieve. And I know that if that little bit of time starts to turn into a lot of time, then you shouldn’t be ashamed to talk to someone about it. 

I know that talking to someone, even your husband, might feel pointless sometimes because no one really sees your child like you do. They aren’t there all day every day and they don’t see all of the everything. 

I know that sometimes when you get a break for just a minute and everything seems infinitely easier, it is hard to put up the mental roadblocks against what could have been.

I know that it is almost impossible to stay away from “if only,” but I know that you have to if you want to survive.

You can’t think about the way that things could have been different. You can only deal with the way that they are.    

You are strong. So, so strong. Even when you don’t feel like you are very strong at all. 

The years will pass. At first it will go so slowly and it will be so hard that you think you might never make it out alive. You might feel like punching me right now because I just said “years” and you’re not even sure that you will be able to hold yourself together until dinner tonight. 

If you can’t make it until dinner, then it is all right to cry right now. No, you’re right. It won’t change anything, but I give you permission to feel your feelings anyway. And I promise those feelings will not always be sad ones. 

The job itself will not get easier, but you will get even stronger and smarter and your tool belt will grow. 

There will come a day when you feel confident and equipped. 

And then something will happen that brings you to your knees and the cycle will start again. 

But it will be okay, because then you will know that blossoms can grow in even the stormiest weather. 

By then you will have seen such tremendous growth and progress that the blows will be a little bit easier to take, if only because you know that there is hope. 

To the Mommas of The Special Ones

 If you are looking to be able to connect with other moms who understand, I would love to have you join my Facebook page today. 

Other posts you might like:

a mom describes her son's journey with Sensory Processing Disorder

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So You Think You Want a Swagger Wagon? What to Consider Before Buying a Minivan

January 15, 2015 By: Stephanie4 Comments

Yesterday I polled my Binkies and Briefcases Facebook page to see how many of my readers drive minivans like I do. I asked for their favorite and least favorite features about their swagger wagons. 

Are you thinking about what to consider before buying a minivan? 

Here’s what my readers and I have to say about it. 

Ready for a mini-van?

Our favorite things 

The overwhelming majority of readers who responded were moms who LOVED their minivans. I’m in that camp too. Right now I drive a 2007 Nissan Quest with over 100,000 miles on it, and when it dies I will get another minivan. 

Here is what moms love about their minivans: 

1. They hold a bunch of people.

“I love my van. I never ever thought I would be caught dead driving one, but with 6 kids my options were limited. My hubby has a 4×4 that seats them all. But it has no boot room. Now even hubby prefers the van for comfort” – Louise 

“I love the space for the kids and also that it can fit 7 people. So when we go somewhere with my parents we can just ride together, or there’s been several times when each of the older kids’ has had a friend come over and they all fit.”-Kim

2. They hold a lot of stuff. 

“I had a minivan when my kids were younger. It was the best ever! It took my kids and their friends to Disneyland, sports teams to games and practices, carried loads of “stuff”. It was named by my daughter’s friends as “Jet Blue”. It even became the “limo” to the prom one year and held chilled Martinelli’s and chocolate dipped strawberries to make it special. The kids grew up and the van finally died. I cried when I had to leave it on the final day. Thank you, my friend, the minivan.” -Mary 

3. The doors and the trunk open for you. 

“They are designed to be easy to use. I love that I can open and close doors with a button press.” -Jennifer

4. Space

 “I love that no one has to touch each other!” -Carmen 

“The BEST thing about the one I had was that EVERYONE got a window seat, no more fighting about that, and it also kept them separated so I never had to hear ‘mommy he’s touching me!'” -Carol 

Plus, the roof is high. A few moms mentioned making the switch once their sons passed the six-foot mark and needed more headroom. 

5. The back seats fold down.

If you can get the third-row seats split, this is even better, Because then you can transport three kids AND the chair you just picked up at a garage sale.

My husband actually really likes using our minivan for hauling lumber. He puts it down the center aisle, all the way up to the dashboard. We’ve had 12 foot long pieces of wood stay completely dry on the way home in the pouring rain when we were working on our floating fireplace mantle. 

6. There are a million cup holders. 

I actually don’t understand why this is such a big selling feature, but apparently, it is. Our minivan literally has 14 cup holders. It was the first thing the salesperson told me and he repeated it no less than five times while trying to sell us the car. But we bought it, so the joke is on us. Cup holders sell cars, people. 

7. Safety. 

“Big bonus is it had the side curtain airbags that went all the way to the back windshield (some of the other trucks the side curtain airbags only went as far as the second row.) What??!! So the children in the back row aren’t protected? Ok, then scratch those trucks that do not offer protection for the whole carful of passengers.” -Julianne 

8. The gas mileage is better than many trucks and SUVs. 

“In terms of gas, it gets 32 mpg highway which is much more than any other vehicle I have owned.” -Tabatha 

Our Least Favorite Things 

The wagon isn’t all swagger. There are a few less than stellar aspects to owning a minivan. 

1. The sliding doors

While these are one of the best features about owning a minivan because of the convenience, they are also one of the worst. 

If you live in a cold climate, they will freeze shut. And you will curse them. This happens to us frequently in the winter here in Pennsylvania, and many of my readers commented with the same concern. When you have young kids in car seats, it is not easy to climb in through the front and get them all buckled into the back rows, especially when everyone is bundled for cold weather and their boots are full of snow. 

They can also be a safety concern. One mom commented that her child’s finger got stuck and severely injured in their sliding door. 

2. There aren’t a lot of All Wheel Drive options

Again, something for those of us who live in cold climates or rough terrain to consider. However, our van actually does handle better in snow and ice than our Ford Explorer, and several of my readers left similar comments about their minivans handling bad weather pretty well. I’ve been told snow tires make a world of difference here, although we don’t have them. Which brings me to the next point…

3. The tires are crazy expensive to replace.

If you are used to driving a sedan, you are going to be very unpleasantly surprised the first time it costs you about $1,000 to get a new set of tires for your vehicle.  

4. The stigma (and its consequences)

There is a large I’ll never crowd when it comes to the minivan. They, like, really hate minivans for no apparent reason other than they just never want to be that person who drives one. 

When you are on the road, as far as other people are concerned, you are your car. And when you are a minivan some other drivers do NOT like you, man. I have actually noticed that other people drive more dangerously around me on the highway when I’m in the van, trying to pass us illegally or generally just being jerks. I don’t think it’s my driving because it doesn’t happen nearly as often to me when I drive our other vehicle. It truly is like people just don’t want to be “stuck” behind a minivan, so they drive like maniacs to get around you. This makes me especially nervous because my kids are usually all in the car with me. 

 

Taking the bad with the good, I still love my minivan. But when I go to buy our next one, I definitely want to make sure it has these features: 

-One automatic sliding door and One manual. This is what our van has now and I really like it, in case there are problems with the automatic one. 

-All Wheel Drive!!!

-A split third-row seat

 

What about you? Are you for or against the swagger wagon? 

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The Day My Toddler Disappeared

January 9, 2015 By: Stephanie4 Comments

What a terrifying moment! She is fine, but this is why you should not wait too long to call for help

Dirty Dishes, Missing Toddlers, and Police Officers With Great Ears

Yesterday started out well enough for the worst day of my life. I went to a new Zumba class and was the only person who showed up, so I got to attend a private class while Penny stayed in the childcare room at the YMCA.

Then I brought Penny home and she watched a movie, ate a snack, and ditched her warm winter clothes in favor of a princess dress from the dress-up bin. I didn’t know how much I would curse the decision to let her do that. 

She asked me to paint her toenails and I said no because I had to wash the dishes. She stood next to me for a while, then she walked away while I finished loading the dishwasher. 

And she did not come back. 

I walked around the house, calling for her. 

I checked all the usual spots. Then I started checking all of the unusual spots. 

She was gone. 

She was standing right next to me less than five minutes ago, how could she just disappear?

I started yelling that if she was playing Hide N Seek the game was over and it was time to come out. I checked every closet. I looked under every bed. I checked every shelf in our pantry. I checked the bathtubs and the kitchen cabinets. I checked the oven and the washer and the dryer. I even opened the dishwasher to make sure I hadn’t shut her in there by accident. I checked the toy boxes and the window seat.

There were two men from our church doing some construction work in our basement. I called them upstairs to help me look.

They couldn’t find her either.

We started looking outside. We looked in the cars and under the cars and in the pool. We checked the basement and the attic and the garage.

I called Eddie and told him to come home from work. 

God, wherever she is, be there with her. 

I called my uncle who is the retired chief of the Maryland State police. 

She was not in any of the places that he told me to look. My aunt suggested I yell that I was sick and I needed her to come out and help me right away. That didn’t work either. They told me if I couldn’t find her within the next few minutes, I should call the police. 

My baby was gone. 

Saint Anthony, I need you to help me find my daughter. 

Now it had been twenty minutes. 

And it was only 14 degrees outside. 

And then the What Ifs started coming. I started to imagine all the things my uncle must have not wanted to tell me. 

What if she swallowed something dangerous? Is that why she won’t answer me?  

What if I didn’t hear the alarm on our door? What if she did get outside? In that snow. With the negative windchill. In her princess dress and no shoes.

What if an intruder came in while we were at the Y? And now he has my baby girl? What if he is still here? Or worse, what if he isn’t? What if he took her out a window while I was standing right in my own kitchen and that’s why I didn’t hear the door alarm beep?

I knew I had to call 911. Because what if? 

Another 20 minutes had gone by. Eddie was home. There were now three men searching with me. 

No one could find her. The men started taking furniture apart, in case she had gotten herself stuck inside of something.  

I answered the operator’s questions about what she was wearing and what color her hair was. Is. 

I had to go through the events of our day. I started bawling all over again when I realized she hadn’t even eaten lunch yet. 

Because now it was 1:00 in the afternoon and the police were here. 

And four officers were looking with us and they hadn’t found her either. 

And wherever my daughter was, she was hungry. 

And now we had to call the Y to confirm my whereabouts for the morning and make sure I hadn’t just left her there in the childcare room by accident. (Even though of course I knew I hadn’t.) 

And how do you lose a child when you are just standing there washing the dishes? 

I wondered around aimlessly, checking places I knew she wasn’t going to be, because I had already checked them, but what else could I do? 

And then I heard my name. 

“Steph! I hear her crying.” 

And I ran to a uniformed officer who was holding my terrified daughter.

He found her in the closet of our master bedroom. She had pulled a tote bag upside-down on top of herself and had fallen asleep like that, behind several boxes of out-of-season clothes. With the vinyl tote bag over her head, surrounded by plastic pins full of clothes, she had not been getting much air. 

No less than five adults had checked that closet thoroughly. Officer Justin was the second policeman to check it, and he didn’t see her either. He heard her breathing. 

When he found her, she was tired and scared (of the police swarming down on her hiding spot) and red. And completely lethargic. She acted exhausted like she had just run a marathon. The pupils of her eyes were tiny little pinpoints.

No one but me seemed to think this was as big of a deal, but I really don’t think that I’m exaggerating when I say that I think he saved her from suffocating under that vinyl bag. She had been like that for over an hour by that point. 

Everyone else was just relieved she was found.

She cuddled and cried and stayed on the sofa for the rest of the afternoon. 

She asked for Goldfish crackers. 

All of the men went right back to work. 

I don’t know what else I expected anyone to do.

Apparently everyone still trusted me alone with my daughter.

Even though sometimes I have to call in four police officers to hep us finish a game of Hide and Seek.  

 where she was

 And now a piece of my heart will forever be missing for all of the stories that didn’t get to have a happy ending.  

If, God forbid, you ever do find yourself in a similar situation, the police officers told me that in the majority of the calls like this they receive they find the child inside the home, or sometimes on the property. All it takes is a minute for a child to get away from you, even in your own house! I was in shock and just I could not think straight. I kept opening up the same closet doors over and over again, knowing I would not find her there. Once I had my uncle on the phone, he had me check the most dangerous places in our house (our pool, our bathrooms, our cars, our garage, our basement, our dryer, our attic rafters, etc) right away. We also learned that listening can be even more important than looking.  

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Welcome! I’m Steph.

This is a little corner of the internet we like to fill with honesty, heart, and humor. Read More…

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Binkies and Briefcases with Stephanie Giese

Binkies and Briefcases with Stephanie Giese

Stephanie Giese is an indie author based in Florida. She writes stories about realistic problems with humor, heart, and sass. Her work has a strong focus on mental health and consent. Her North Bay small-town romance series is set for release in 2025.

Binkies and Briefcases with Stephanie Giese

3 months ago

Binkies and Briefcases with Stephanie Giese
I know it’s a small thing, but I believe small things can add up to big changes. my entire North Bay series, including Out of Left Field, Right as Rain, and Way Off Base, is free on Kindle from Jan. 30-Feb. 3. Please take the funds you might have spent on my books this week and reallocate them toward the areas in our country that need them the most. Follow creators like Dad Chats who can direct you toward practical needs local to them. I hope my quirky romcoms can bring you some comfort and joy during difficult times, and I hope together we can take small, practical steps toward big changes. ... See MoreSee Less

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Binkies and Briefcases with Stephanie Giese

3 months ago

Binkies and Briefcases with Stephanie Giese
I know there is an overall feeling of helplessness in our country right now. So many of us are at a loss for what to do beyond making phone calls and social media posts (which are still important, but can feel like not enough). I believe strongly in the power of small things adding up to big ones. As one person, I might not be able to do much, but what I CAN do is use my voice and my books to work toward the change I’d like to see. That’s why, for the next five days, from Jan. 30-Feb 3, I’m making the Kindle versions of my entire North Bay series (Out of Left Field, Right as Rain, and Way Off Base) completely free. Art has power, and I do hope these comedies can bring you some comfort and joy in difficult times, but most importantly, I also hope you’ll consider redirecting the funds you might’ve spent on my books and donating instead to one of the many charities working tirelessly in our cities right now. If you are located in an area like Minnesota or Portland, please use the space below to make people aware of the organizations in your area that need help. ... See MoreSee Less
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