I’m going to introduce you to someone today and you have to promise to be nice to him. I think he’s a little nervous about making his debut on the Mommy Blog scene.
I call my friend Jeremy my “work husband.” We grew up together, although he was a year ahead of me in school, and we both always liked to write. We didn’t exactly run with the same crowds. He was a skateboarding, guitar playing kid who listened to punk rock and ska bands and I was a preppy cheerleader, but after school we would talk on Instant Messenger and we would give feedback on each other’s stories/poems/songs. Now that we’re grown-ups, our lives have gone in pretty different directions, but we’ve stayed in touch. I read his pieces on Thought Catalog or 20 Something Magazine, and he reads mine on The Huffington Post and here on the blog. He also owns a production company and is the first person I contacted when I needed advice after that post about Target went viral. He’s been helping me tirelessly for over a month on the super secret project. (We can tell you SO SOON!)
So, because of the nature of the super secret project, we have been having a lot of conversations lately about girls growing up to become women. I asked him to tell me honestly, as a single dude, what makes a woman attractive to him. Does it really have that much to do with how she looks? Could he name ten things that have nothing to do with that?
After only a week or so of my nagging asking very nicely, he begrudgingly wrote it all out in a guest post for me. Here’s Jeremy… (He came up with the title by himself.)
Stupid List Stephanie Made Me Do by Jeremy Sheeler
Whenever you first see someone, obviously, the first thing you notice is his or her looks. This is an unfortunate fact of life, I suppose. However, in the final count, it usually ends up being one of the least important things that truly attracts us to someone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a total ass-man, but I’m certainly not going to make my decision on a life partner based on whether she has a nice round backside.
And even more so, that initial attraction can run for hills once we get within earshot and happen to catch a glimpse of the personality that lies behind those alluring eyes. A pretty face only gets you so far—either for them or for you. I can’t even recall how many times I’ve gone from lukewarm to hot for a woman after finding out what makes her body tick; what moves her and gives her meaning; of who she is or what she wants to be.
So with that in mind, here’s a short little list of some of things that never fail to entice and excite me that have nothing to do with a woman’s physical appearance.
1. Good conversation – Because the world would fall apart if we humans were just having sex all the time, there’s going to come a time in a relationship—actually probably the majority of any relationship—when you’re going to have to actually have a conversation with your significant other. Therefore, it would probably help if you could have some sort of verbal exchange that excited you, as well—just saying.
2. Adventurous – Routines are all well and good, and there is certainly value in knowing that someone is dependable and steadfast, but it’s also a lot of fun to be pushed outside of our comfort zones. And a woman that can help me experience something that I never thought I would do, or that I am afraid to do, is life-changing.
3. Plays an instrument/sings – Music soothes the savage beast. It is the language of the soul. It moves us in ways that almost nothing else can. I think that just about says it all.
4. Well-read – This one may be a little specialized for me, but I guarantee that I’m not the only guy out there that feels this way. There’s just something about a woman who’s experienced the depths of life expressed in a Russian novel or who simply understands the pleasure of seeing the world through another person’s eyes that books grant you access to. Novels—and really books in general—I believe, make someone a much more well-rounded person. They open up unknown worlds of possibility and can help us understand our fellow humans that much better.
5. Good laugh – There’s almost nothing sexier to me than a woman with an unself-conscious laugh. It shows an ease with herself and a willingness to be open with others. It also encourages me to let down my guard because she seems receptive to what I am saying.
6. Funny/quick-witted – Kind of in the same vein as the last one. I love to joke around. And when I’m around someone who is quick-witted, who I know will get what I’m saying or have a witty come back, it always makes for a good time. This is generally a natural talent, but if you got it, flaunt it. It can be majorly appealing.
7. Can cook well – I’ve been “cooking” for myself ever since I was 12, when my parents split—and I still somehow suck at it. I’m no Foodie, but I do enjoy a good meal. And I definitely would love to be with someone who could give that to me. In case you don’t know already: the most direct route to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
8. Passionate – I mean this on a couple different levels. The first one would, obviously, be in the amorous department. But also, I mean that she is driven by something in her life that deeply interests her. Excitement is very sexy. Plus, it also makes it a lot easier when it comes to birthday presents or planning a surprise trip to come up with something I know she’ll really like and appreciate.
9. Slight bad streak – One of biggest clichés in the world is that “nice guys finish last.” Well, for me, this is true of a woman, as well. I’m sorry, but if the only thing that someone can use to describe you is that you’re “nice,” it’s time to do some soul searching. Don’t confuse what I’m saying here, though. By “bad” I don’t mean “immoral,” but rather a woman who doesn’t play by the rules simply because they are the rules. This not only shows me that she has good judgment, but also an independence of mind. She understands the difference between when it is necessary to comply and when she needs to stand up for herself.
10. Street smarts – Book smarts are all well and good—and like I said I love a woman who reads—but they can also be extremely limiting in the real world. A woman that knows how to play the game—and will help you play it instead of playing you—is an invaluable asset. If you happen to find one, hold her close. I’ve always said, all I’m looking for is my “partner in crime.”
Our culture seems to be obsessed today with the superficial, and inundates us with images of what a “perfect body” is, but this is merely where attraction begins—not the end all, be all. Who we are and what we make ourselves through the skills and character we cultivate is what makes for real attraction, and what makes us stand out in the crowd.
Thank you, Jeremy. See? Writing for a mommy blog didn’t hurt that bad, did it? And yes, you are kind of an ass, man. (Sorry, I had to. Blame it on the power of punctuation.) But I like you anyway.
Now I want to hear from all of you. What traits do you find attractive about a person that have little to nothing to do with his or her physical appearance? Why?
What You’re Saying