Just a Girl

When I was in college I had several classes with a professor named Dr. Susan Barber, the head of the Women’s Studies department. Because Notre Dame is a women’s college, my classes were made entirely of, well, women. Dr. Barber had a pet peeve. Her classes were often set-up as discussions, the chairs were arranged in a circle and everyone was required to participate. She could not stand it when someone would start her sentence with the phrase “I just want to say…” Once she pointed it out, we were amazed at how often we did it. At least, I was amazed. She noted that when she taught men they never started their sentences that way. It devalues whatever point you are trying to make and implies that you need permission to state your opinion.

No one is ever “just” anything. Ladies, huddle up. We cannot continue to devalue ourselves like this.

I hear both men and women receive phone calls or text messages and tell their friends, “It’s just some girl/guy I met at a bar last night.” That makes me wince. It’s been a while now, but I will never forget being at the wedding of an old college friend. At the reception we sat around for hours listening to some of my husband’s fraternity brothers discuss their former sexual conquests. I found this incredibly disturbing for several reasons. The first reason was that several of them were in committed relationships and were at the table with their wives or long-term girlfriends. It was abundantly clear that not everyone at the table was comfortable with the conversation. (I know this, because I made it abundantly clear that I was not comfortable with the conversation, yet it continued until eventually I just got up and left.)

The second reason was that we were sitting about three feet from the groom’s parents. However, the thing that disturbed me the most was the way in which they referred to the women. In normal circumstances these are respectable men who all have college degrees, are several years out of school, have good jobs, and were brought up in upper-middle class homes by well-meaning parents, yet they talked about these women in much the same way that I’ve heard my cousins talk about hunting for deer. Only it was worse. When men talk about hunting for deer they often describe the deer using words like beautiful, stealthy, smart, etc. They remember exactly how many points were on each antler. They take pictures or mount the deer on a wall to commemorate the occasion.

When men talk about the women they have “conquered” in the form of casual sex they say things like, “Man she was hot, but she was a slut. What was her name?” or “She had great legs, but, ****, she was a ****ing bimbo.” That’s what happens when women allow themselves to be “just that girl.” I do not excuse these men for their behavior AT ALL. I think it is disgusting, and I have told them so, to their faces. But we do have some sort of mutual accountability here, ladies. Why are we allowing this to happen to ourselves? I’m not talking about being victimized (which I know happens entirely too often), I’m talking about being a willing participant in undervaluing your own self-worth. We make up half of the population, we don’t have to stand for this crap. And we don’t need to participate either. I also don’t love hearing, “It’s just that guy from the other night.”

Thankfully, I was never “just that girl,” in the casual sex aspect of the conversation, but I am guilty of something that may be worse.

I was on a plane. I was flying by myself, which I absolutely hate. A friendly man sat next to me and struck up a conversation. When he asked me what I do for a living I told him, “I’m just a mom.”  He responded, “Just a mom?! Well, that’s the hardest job in the world!”

I disagree with that, actually. I am of the opinion that serving in the military and having to risk your life and leave your family to be deployed overseas is the hardest job in the world. Being a mom is the second hardest.

I don’t know why I phrased my response that way. I have no defense other than the fact that as women we do it all the time. Try it. Ask a few women what they do for a living. It’s pretty likely that some of them will start their answers with the phrase “I’m just a _______” and then fill in the blank.

I’m just a mom.

I’m just a homemaker.

I’m just a preschool teacher.

I’m just a student.

Then ask a few men. I can almost guarantee you that you will not hear phrases like, “I’m just an engineer.” “I’m just a dad.” or “I’m just a lawyer.” Men take a lot of pride in what they do; they don’t feel the need to devalue themselves by prefacing with the phrase “I am just.” Neither should we.

There is no such thing as “just a mom.”

There is no such thing as “just a woman.”

There is no such thing as “just a girl.”

And there definitely should not be such a thing as just a conquest.

People have value.

You have value.

Most importantly, our daughters have value.

And I’m making it my personal goal to make sure the whole world knows it.

Photo credits: Stephanie Giese & Satoko Berg