The Scariest Moment

I don’t like to talk about this, but I have a nagging feeling that has been weighing on my heart. It is a familiar feeling, the one that means someone needs to read my story. It is the very reason why I write. This goes out to whoever you are…

I believe that after I delivered my middle daughter I had a mild case of postpartum depression. I was able to get by and I thought I was just having trouble adjusting to my new role as a stay-at-home mom. I thought that tired and a little sad was the new me and I would begin to feel lighter as my kids grew up and life became less mundane.

That being said, I was excited to discover we were expecting another baby. Somehow I felt like being pregnant and then having a newborn gave my life a new sense of direction and purpose. It was strange, but as soon as she came I started to feel like my old self again. I was more comfortable with my body, more confident in my role at home as a mom of three, and just an all-around happier person.  She was such a good, easy-going baby.

That is why I was shocked and terrified the day it happened.

The worst thought (or maybe second worst) that you can ever have as a mom, it invaded my brain like a parasite.

I was sitting there on the couch, watching Toy Story with my kids. I had just gotten off the phone with my husband, who was calling to tell me he was on his way home from work. It was just one thought, but it was scary and strange because it remains to this day the only thought that I have ever had that seemed as if it was planted by an outside source.

Like the scene in the movie Anchorman where Ron Burgundy is fired for reading inappropriate words from the teleprompter, it was as though someone else had written the thought and planted it inside my head. Only in my version, there was no comic relief.  I had no choice but to say the awful phrase because it was on the screen.

“Good. He’s on the way. That means if I kill myself now the kids won’t be unsupervised for long.”

The thought that immediately followed was WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!!

It was the single most terrifying moment of my entire life. I was alone with 3 very small children and I honestly thought I might be going insane. Is this what crazy people mean when they say they hear voices in their head telling them to do things? Could I trust myself to be here with my kids for the next 40 minutes?

I knew I SHOULD call the doctor or some hotline or even 911, but I froze because I was terrified that my children would be taken away. The reports we have say that our son was removed from his birth mother because she was afraid that she was going to hurt herself and she couldn’t handle the pressure of being a mom. I didn’t want to risk him losing another family.

Besides, I didn’t actually want to hurt myself. I have NEVER actually contemplated suicide, I wasn’t thinking about ways to do it, I wasn’t writing notes, I didn’t want to do it at all. I loved our new family and my new life. It was just so strange that the thought entered my mind, completely uninvited.

I called my mom, who is a licensed therapist. She told me that what I was describing was called an intrusive thought and asked if I was on any new medication.

As a matter of fact, I was. The doctor had just written me a prescription for progestin-only birth control pills at my 6 week check up because I was nursing. I made my mom stay on the phone with me and I Googled side effects (which I should have known about before I started taking a new medication).  Sure enough, I saw, “In rare cases, less-common side effects can include depression and/or suicidal thoughts.”

Stupid little pills.

Needless to say, I stopped taking them immediately.

That is not to say that medication is bad, because it is not. If you feel like you may be experiencing depression or anxiety, by all means, speak to your doctor right away. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication are sometimes very necessary. In my case, though, it turned out that the medicine I was taking (which, just to be extra clear, was your average run of the mill birth control)  was causing much more harm than good.

I have not been on any medication for over a year now and this is honestly this is the best I have felt in my entire career as a mother. It is much easier to take care of me and find humor in the everyday. I feel like myself again.

Whether your story is similar to mine or exactly the opposite, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is a whole community of moms blogging to share their stories so that you know that we are right here in the trenches with you. That is lesson number one.

Lesson number two is that having a house full of three children ages 4 and under and a temporarily suicidal wife who is no longer allowed to be on birth control is the fastest way to get a man to volunteer for a vasectomy. True story.