The Bachelorette: Lord of the Rings Edition

Please excuse me while I geek out for a minute. It’s not my fault. My husband is obsessed with all things Lord of the Rings. He read the books, he has nerdy t-shirts mapping out the journey across Middle Earth, he asked for the Blu-Ray trilogy for Christmas. (And like an idiot I bought it because it was the Amazon Deal of the Day) You get the idea.

A few weeks ago we let my son watch it for the first time and he declared that Arwen (Liv Tyler) was his girlfriend. It was adorable. Because he’s 5. It’s not that cute when you’re 30. Trust me.

Anyway…because my mind needed something less boring to do than watch LOTR for the 8 millionth time, I decided to play my own version of the Bachelorette with the men of the movie.

Who is truly marriage material?

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Frodo Baggins…no rose for you.

Sorry dude. You’re pretty annoying. It’s not cool to be constantly playing a damsel in distress when you are carrying a testosterone card. Like, seriously.

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Gimli…no rose for you.

You’re really cranky and you need to shave. And you are way too stubborn. You seem like the kind of guy who would come home 5 hours late after being at the pub all evening while I took care of our 7 little dwarf children and mope because your dinner was cold. P.S. your finger nails are grody.

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Gandalf..what am I, Anna Nicole Smith? (Too soon?) He’s not invited to my rose ceremony. He’s old enough to be my great-great-great-great-great-great  grandfather.  Besides, Harry Potter needs you more than I do.

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Aragorn…Ok, you can have a rose, but you’re probably not making it to the finale. You’re the broody Johnny Depp of Middle Earth. You’re hot and all, but you seem like way too much work for me. Worrying about how to get you to fulfill your potential, building your self-confidence, and making sure you do in fact save the world in spite of yourself. Nah. Also, you are taken. It’s kind of a douchey thing to do to be on my dating show when another chick already gave up immorality just to hang out with you.

It’s down to the finale. Who will get the final rose? (Do they even get a rose on the Bachelorette? I don’t have any idea. I don’t actually watch that show.)

The Runner Up

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Legolas…swoon. If I was an available elfish maiden I would quiver for you. (Get it? Archery. I slay myself. Ha! I did it again.) Also, you have the word “lego” in your name and my son thinks that’s pretty cool. But, alas, you are just too much of a risk taker and you make everything a competition. In the end, I just can’t deal with that. I need more stability.

so the final rose goes to…..

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Samwise Gangee! Yeah, that’s right. I picked a hobbit. I might not be a huge Lord of the Rings fan, but Sam is my favorite literary character of all time.  He’s a perfect unsung hero. He’s got a strong work ethic, he’s selfless, and he’s fiercely loyal. Them’s the qualities that a good husband make.