This week is pretty intense for our family. In three days my husband will leave on a missions trip to Burkino Faso, a country in west Africa, with our church. He will be gone for more than half the month of June, using his skills as a professional engineer to help build a water tank in a place that does not currently have running water. It means he has a lot of responsibilities to wrap up this week for work and the house we are currently building as well as the trip itself. It also means I’ll be playing the single-parent role for a while. I don’t have a problem parenting my own kids, but Nicholas’ attachment concerns make times like this very, very difficult at home. The reactions from some people closest to us have been less than supportive, which is discouraging. They think they are coming from a place of love and concern, but it is actually a place of fear.
So what did I do this week to help with the preparations? I sat on my butt and looked at porn.
I’m not being sarcastic, that actually is what I did. And it helped a lot, although probably not in the way that you think.
I want to be loving and supportive and altruistic throughout this process, but the reality is that I am selfish and it is hard. It’s hard to be the one left behind to absorb the consequences of having daddy leave, although we know he is doing it for a good cause. It is hard to watch your health savings account disappear into yellow fever shots and malaria medication (Did you know those shots and pills cost thousands of dollars? Because they do.) and your husband’s vacation time get sucked away into a trip around the world that only one of you gets to take. To sit at home and twiddle your thumbs and worry about his safety. It’s even harder to do with three very young kids, especially when one of them has special needs.
I could have easily said no, but I didn’t. Because he’s my husband and he feels called to do something purposeful, something bigger than himself and right now my job is not to question or deny. My job is to obey. And it makes me uncomfortable.
I come from a generation of self-sufficient women who are appalled by the idea of having to obey our husbands. I know I left it out of my marriage vows on purpose and I can’t recall a wedding I’ve attended recently where it has been said. But sometimes it just has to be done because it is the right thing to do. Sometimes he really does need to shine and I need to be content in a supporting role. When I reached that place I was left seeking wisdom and finding nothing but resistance. Can you think of any modern examples of strong women in loving relationships who are trying to teach themselves to learn obedience? I couldn’t. Well, except for one…
So this week I re-read the entire 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, and do you know what? It actually helped a lot. Go figure.
I still don’t think the books are particularly well-written and I realize they are complete smut, but walking with Ana on her journey to understand and, yes, even obey her husband without losing her sense of self was cathartic and gave me a great deal of clarity.
And so far my husband hasn’t complained about the side effects. 😉
I tried reading it and got to about page 100 and couldn’t deal. But I see how it would help 😉
Yeah, the first book is difficult to get through. The first time I read it was only out of morbid curiosity because it was banned from libraries at the time. If you can force yourself through the first book, the others actually start to have a plot.
I so admire all that you are doing, Steph–all the sacrifices you are making financially and at home so he can go. You are very much in my prayers, and this is the best argument I have heard about about why 50 Shades is a good read yet. xo.
I am so blessed to have your friendship and support throughout this process!
Just curious…how are you “obeying”? I would have labeled it “supporting” for sure, but obeying? Did he order you to stay home and hold down the fort, or did you talk about it together and agree to it?
Nope. He would never be that domineering and I wouldn’t stand for that.Thank you so much for starting this discussion!
I think the difference, for us, between supporting and obeying would be that in the case of obedience you don’t particularly want to do something, but you DO it to please a higher authority. In this case, God. We often make the argument as women that we never need to obey, but that’s really not the case. You obey laws, your boss at work, your marriage vows, etc. And in our family we endeavor to obey the Lord. To me, you support an ideal, but to obey is a verb. It’s what you do in order to show your support. It’s one thing to say, “I support gun control.” It’s another to obey the laws. (Substitute any law you want.) You can look at any politician’s resume and see the difference between the ideas they theoretically SUPPORT and whether their life choices match, i.e. whether they OBEY their own rules. To us, the idea of obedience is making sure to live our ideals, not just spew them as theories we “support.” I don’t intend to only support my marriage vows, I intend to obey them.
My husband felt like he had a calling to go to Africa and, although it was inconvenient, decided to obey. Yes, we talked about it, at length. I think to say I supported and joined him in his obedience vs. I decided to obey is just a matter of semantics. Although I don’t really love the tone or prose of the 50 series, particularly the first book, I do think that E.L. James struck a nerve with a lot of women who are trying to reconcile being submissive vs. being “a submissive” to their husbands, bosses, rules, whatever when it is necessary. I seriously doubt she ever intended the book as a metaphor for obeying God, but I like to look at the characters as two imperfect people who each make significant sacrifices for the sake of their marriage. Our religion teaches us that our marriage, particularly a husband’s love for his wife, is its own metaphor for God’s love for his people. I realize that it’s a huge leap to go from Christian and Ana to biblical references, but I took it and it helps me.
Does that make sense?
You just made sense to me Stephanie.I admire the originality of this blog post, the belief system that is behind it and the gift that you and your husband are giving the world with your obedience. Truly.
Ellen
Thanks, Ellen. I’m glad it makes sense. I realize it’s not an especially popular view, but it’s ours and we’re learning to embrace it. 🙂
This is so interesting. I do shy away from the word “obey,” especially in relation to my marriage. I also dislike the word “submissive.” I think I do use “support” instead of “obey,” and I’m more comfortable with that. I support my husband in some decisions that I might not be crazy about, but because I love him I do it anyway. He does the same for me.
Really interesting post! Big hugs to you – I know the next few weeks will be challenging. xoxo
You’re not alone. I think that most women are really uncomfortable with the “o” word. It still sits weird with me sometimes, but it’s just a word. I’m coming around to it.
You did explain it (obedience) in a way that really struck a chord with me. I got what you are saying. I think what your family is doing is more intense than supporting, just as you described.
Ellen