Last Wednesday I got the call. Again.
My kindergartener was in the office. Again.
This time he had pulled down his pants, shouted, “Feast your eyes!” (a lovely expression he picked up from the Disney movie Brave) and exposed himself to the entire class.
Twice.
We have been here before. In preschool, it was for smearing feces on the reading rug. In Sunday school it was for refusing to sit in a timeout chair and instead of stripping off his clothes and rolling around under the tables.
In the office, he looks so small as he sits and hangs his tiny head.
“Mommy, I did something bad again.”
His voice is barely a whisper and there are tears in his eyes.
We go to speak to an administrator and she explains what happened. I purse my lips and concentrate on making my facial expression match what I think she wants to see from me.
I am asked what the consequences will be at home.
We take away all media and his favorite train, the one Santa brought, for the remainder of the week. He also makes a card for his teacher and writes “I’m sorry” in large, scratchy letters over a smiley face. He gets no dessert and he understands the consequences are because of his actions.
Later he cries so hard that his whole body shakes.
“Do you still love me?”
He asks me this every time.
My answer is always the same.
“I will always love you. I didn’t like your behavior today.”
“Because I was bad?”
“What you did was bad.”
But son, you are not bad.
You are broken.
I will never stop trying, but I am learning that I cannot fix it.
However, understanding the behavior does not excuse it. That is what my mother says. So we offer structure and consequences. And forgiveness and grace.
We have been to fourteen specialists trying to find the answer, but they do not have it. They have words like “Reactive Attachment Disorder,” labels to put on top of other labels, and assurances that these behaviors are typical in children who had a difficult start in life. There is no one with a more difficult start than you. My dear child, born to a homeless mother who could not provide, fed things your body could not process, and a ward of the state for your first year.
We had family sessions recorded so that videos of our parent/child interactions can be analyzed by teams of experts and they said we are doing this right.
We sent you to therapy and you graduated because your progress had been amazing.
Yet you continue to relapse and break my heart.
And so we take you back.
You do things you know are against the rules and you cannot stop yourself, even though you know they are wrong.
Although I hate this, it is the most beautiful quality about you because in your vulnerability and repeated sins I see God.
I know that, while I must punish your behavior, I can never fault you for it.
It is the same nature that we all have.
And when my job as your mother is so hard that it brings me to my knees to ask God what more I can possibly do, I feel a gentle nudge and a knowing smile that asks me, “Is this not what your Father does for you?”
So I will continue to set the rules and expect you to follow them, knowing that you won’t. I will consequence and forgive and allow you to come to me telling me things I would truly rather not hear.
I am not a perfect parent, but I have one, and so do you, and He told me we are going to be okay.
Our blessings rarely look the way we expect, do they? This post is really lovely. You and your boy are lucky to have each other. Keep fighting the good fight!
That’s the truth! and thank you.
This I loved. I couldn’t be more moved by your resolve. I know it’s not easy and that you’ll be tired and that I will never really understand, but He does and I’m so glad you have Him. Hugs, momma.
Thanks, my Ninja. And thanks for tweeting!
Beautifully said. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing, and how very, very blessed is your boy to have you.
Thank you so much. That is very kind.
My daughter too struggles with reactive attachment disorder, along with other psychological disorders. Reading your writings today was as though I have been reading one of my own. I struggle everyday with providing her with loving boundaries and explaining that while I love her it is the behaviors that I find unacceptable. I have recently started a Facebook page dedicated to our journey and a blog as well. The Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/FightingForMyGanesha and my blog is http://fightingforganesha.blogspot.com/. I am working to develop a community of support for families on the same journey as us and would love to be in contact with you about our experiences.
Suzanne
Hi Suzanne. I liked your FB page. Good luck with your new blog. I started this blog 3 years ago when I was in a similar phase. Writing and connecting with other moms in similar circumstances certainly helps.
Steph,
Nicholas is SO blessed to have you and Eddie as parents. Thanks for showing me again how God’s love is repeated when we take care of each other. One more blessing, always after the fact- stories of kids like Nick will keep you laughing until you are 100. Your grandmother Ruth would be so proud of you.
Love, cousin Barb
Faith, it is so important. This writing is beautiful and brought me to tears. Blessings come in many shapes and sizes. Our son struggles, but with each year, they get less severe. No situation is perfect, but a god helps us through. I hope you either get answers, or you find the key. You are a good mom, and during times like this, I know it is hard to remember. Take care
Oh, Stephanie, this is so beautiful. It’s hard enough to be married. Then the kids make it exponentially harder to balance things. When one of our kids needs more of our love/time/attention/discipline than the others…it’s a great deal to take on. I love how you are working through this as a family.
I sometimes wish that some of the older generation could take some of the burden from the younger, when we are toughened a bit more. My nephew lost his baby girl to SIDS a month ago and it is heartbreaking. We don’t get through this life unscathed; the only way to go forward sometimes is through faith. God bless you.
This must be so tough but he is so lucky to have you.
You have a lovely, gracious, and inspiring attitude about this whole thing. This reminds me a lot of what my mom went through with one of my brothers. That woman is the greatest prayer warrior I’ve ever seen and she will vow, after raising six kids, that prayer is the only thing that works in parenting. My brother has come such a long way now. He has successfully gone through the air force, married an amazing girl, and is working his way through college now. His life will never be easy, but my mom continues to help coach him and actively pray for him daily.
Hang in there, my friend. If for nothing else you are inspiring so many other downtrodden mamas out there. He sounds like a real sweetheart despite his troubles. And like Jessica said, he is so lucky to have you!
Thank you for writing this. I needed this reminder today myself.
I cannot offer anything except that I admire your amazing strength and grace and resolve. xo.
This broke my heart. So sweet and touching.
This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful post!! Thank you for sharing!!
Hey from Arts & Crackers! I often struggle with the same issue and have to realize that neither my sons nor I will be perfect, but our Heavenly Father is and he will forgive us and help us to make better choices. He teaches us through loving discipline, not anger, as we are supposed to discipline our children so they can learn. I often get frustrated having to discipline my oldest over and over, but God gives His compassion over and over and I seek to be like Him.
It can be so hard to set boundaries and let kids move within, and past, them. Even harder when there are other issues at play. You have such a gracious, kind manner, though, and the love certainly shines through.
Wow! Beautiful post, Parenting is so challenging, but your focus on faith is key.
Can I ask how coordinated he is? My son does completely impulsive things like this, and after having him tested they came up with Bilateral Integration issues. Right side works, left side works, they just don’t talk to each other. That makes this sudden outburst of stupid seem like a great idea at the time.
My son was profoundly uncoordinated, he could swim beautifully, running was more like flailing at running, riding a bike, not so well. We have done a few things, and improvement is certainly not perfect, but much less, if it sounds like something you might want to look into, I can tell you more, but I can see my son in this post. Thanks for sharing.
Not sure if RAD is our foster daughters issue, but I needed this today. He never gives up on me. All He’s asking is that I don’t give up on her.
Hmm…as someone dealing with similar issues, though less severe, I wonder if maybe you should find another therapist–one who specializes in brain development and/or attachment–and do more ongoing work. The idea that such a young child could “graduate” from therapy, when issues are still going on, makes no sense to me. Issues will keep coming up at every developmental stage, and parents of kids with complicated issues need professional support on an ongoing basis.
Also, maybe a different school would help? One with enough adults in the room so that someone can be paying attention to him all or most of the time, helping him with emotion coaching and intervening before he does things like this to help him process whatever is going on in a more appropriate way. That’s probably hard to find without a diagnosis, but this school is requesting “traditional” punishment for a child who is clearly displaying a lack of understanding of appropriate social norms. I’d be much more interested in why he wants to expose himself and play with feces than whether or not his trains are taken away. Punishment is not the answer here. Finding out where and how his brain is, as you say, “broken” is the only way to help him.
I love your separating your judgment of his actions from your love for him. His concern about that indicates that attachment is probably not the problem. And yet, he did not have a secure attachment in his first year of life, and that means that he missed some key opportunities to wire his brain for self-control that most babies get. So an attachment/brain science expert may be able to help you learn to re-wire his brain, using your loving bond to support him in learning the social skills he will need in life.
Hang in there, and keep loving your son for all of the amazing things he is.
Wow, beautifully said and so much truth.
I can identify. My son’s preschool teachers called me into the classroom Monday to discuss my son’s repeated misbehavior and lack of listening skills. Keep your eyes on the Father! He is our only hope for these beloved broken vessels he has given us!
Why would you punish him for doing things he cannot control? Why not acceptance and assurance without making him feel like he’s bad?
I’ve got one of those kids too. It is sometimes absolutely exhausting. It breaks my heart, that because of choices his birth mother made, he doesn’t get invited to birthday parties or friends houses. We all try so hard. It sometimes feels like living in a fishbowl with the outside constantly giving us the side eye. And yet, my son is the sweetest, kindess soul…if only people could look beyond the behavior. Thank you for the HOPE in your writing.
Your post brought me to tears as a relived sixteen years of behaviors without answers. Never give up! That’s what I told myself and one day those sixteen years of never giving up and being persistent paid off! Finally a group of specialist that took the time to listen to me, to listen to my son’s lengthy history! Finally an answer, or rather a name. With that one diagnosis came the understanding of the question we had always wanted an answer for so we could work towards giving our son the best quality of life we could. It wouldn’t fix him but we could start helping him! He is 18 now and we still have daily struggles, he will never be able to live independently but he doesn’t understand why. Regardless of the sometimes horrific behaviors we still love him unconditionally! He didn’t choose to be this way nor did I chose for him to be this way nor do I know why. It breaks a mother’s heart knowing you can’t fix your child! But it does make you strong! Never give up!
I too have 2 biological daughters and one adoptive son (from the foster system) we adopted at age 2. He is now 22 and a beautiful boy who decided to leave home at age 19. All the truth in your story really comes down to the fact that only God can know why he is in your family and only He can help you in all the struggles with the problems you face. My brother always told me that little kids have little problems and big kids have big problems. I only know that in my world, this is especially true of my son. He is always loved.
Simply beautiful.
Ahhh remember it’s a journey and every regression is an opportunity to reparent them through their trauma. Many blessings upon you. Never forget you are doing it right. 🙂
My husband and I have two adoption three yr old boys and today was a really ROUGH day. Thanks for this post that I just happened to come across, I NEEDED more than u know! 🙂
Wow, Stephanie. This did bring tears to my eyes. My daughter struggles with self-control, sometimes to the point of scaring me (she walked out if church one Wednesday night, and to the car before I even knew she was gone) Very scary, since it was dark, I was dealing with three other children, and I didn’t know where she had gone. With God’s help, we will make it through this journey, and help our children follow His path too. 🙂
Touching story & so proud of you for clinging to the Lord through this!!! I recently met a doctor while on vacation in NYC (he practices in Los Angeles) and he specializes in mental & brain disorders. He doesn’t have the spiritual piece (but you do!!), but I thought you might like to check out his website & research writings in case he can help you with the body & soul issues. Dr. Hamlin Emory, MD http://www.dremory.com
I love that you wrote…”I cannot fix it.” My son is nonverbal and autistic. I think he also has a little apraxia thrown in there. A whole lot is going on. A crushing realization is when you find out that you can’t fix it. I seriously struggled to breath for a while. I felt like autism was consuming me and I above all I felt trapped. But i’m starting to dig out! We all will. Hugs! Your kiddos are beautiful.
I’ve spent way too much time on here today. Totally worth every second.