Binkies and Briefcases • Page 62 of 268 •

The Grey Area

February 14, 2015 By: Stephanie2 Comments

Ugh. You guys.

I didn’t want to write this post, to be honest.

Frankly, there are other things I would rather be doing.

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m about to go out to dinner with my husband. Our family is traveling because his band, Simple Tenants, is recording their first album this weekend.

I was trying to stay silent, fly under the radar, and not weigh in on the Fifty Shades debates that are all over the media. I really was.

But in my little world that revolves around the internet (because I am a professional blogger who hosts a national blog conference, after all) something started happening.

Many, many, many Christian bloggers began to come forward with posts about why they are boycotting this movie and these books. They spoke about how they are bad for marriages, about how they are pornography, about how they didn’t want to read them because they thought they promoted violence. And they didn’t want anyone else to read them either. I understood that. And I thought, “Good for them.”

Then something else started happening. I started seeing more and more comments in my feed like this one (paraphrased):

Do these Christian mommy bloggers truly not understand that they are doing more in terms of free advertising for this movie than its PR team? Every five minutes I see the stupid movie poster in my Facebook feed attached to one of their blog posts. I swear I had no desire to see it in the first place, but now I’m going to, just to spite their judgmental censorship.

Then I thought, “Uh oh.”

That wasn’t the only post I saw that had that message, but it was the most articulate. Actually, I understood exactly the place that it came from because it is the same reason that led me to buy the books in 2012.

Yes, I admit I bought them. I’m not proud to own them, but I do. I bought them because they were being banned from public libraries and my reasoning at the time was very similar to the comments above.

While in our minds we are trying to help educate and share our beliefs and spread the Gospel message, what people are hearing is that we think we are better than they are. Because when we write posts about why we would never do things because we think God hates them and we don’t think anyone else should ever do them either, that is exactly what we are telling them.

We think we are helping. We’re not.

Friends, we are hardening hearts. Whether we mean to be or not is irrelevant.

No one was ever trying to argue that God did like pornography. No one needed a list of reasons not to see Fifty Shades any more than they needed a list of reasons not spit on their next door neighbor. Everyone already knew that it was naughty. That’s kind of its deal. That’s what got it banned from libraries in the first place. Sin is pleasurable. It feels good. If it didn’t, no one would do it. The fact that those sentences make us uncomfortable does not make them untrue. Our friends and neighbors are not stupid and they are not blind. They know we have our vices too, whatever they may be.

It has been my experience that scolding from afar has changed approximately zero hearts.

We may get a nice boost in pageviews and a few virtual fist-bumps from like-minded individuals, but that is not the way to accomplish our goal.

I’ve found that the best way to spread the Gospel message is to stop trying to change other people, turn the mirror around, point it towards myself, and expose my flaws.

God uses imperfect people who do imperfect things to accomplish His perfect plan.

We need to let people see our imperfections so that God can shine through them.

Instead of lecturing our friends, we need to reach out to them and say, “Hey. You’re broken? Me too. Come over here and sit next to me. I’ll show you who can fix it.”

So that’s what I’m going to try to do now.

I wrote more about my own imperfections and my admission that I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy for a guest post on In The Powder Room today. Before you read it, I need you to know that In The Powder Room is a humor website and this post is a bit snarkier than you may be used to seeing from me. I am honored to be over there talking about God and having a new conversation with a new audience. As always, please remain respectful in the comments.

The Most Romantic Gift My Husband Ever Gave Me and A Free Gift For You

February 12, 2015 By: Stephanie2 Comments

In honor of Valentine’s Day being this week, I thought I would share the most romantic gift that I’ve received from my husband. If you are looking for a Valentine’s Day gift, or even a wedding gift idea, I really like this one!

Eddie is not normally a hearts and flowers kind of guy. He’s usually into showing his love in much more practical ways, like taking my car out at night to fill up the gas tank.

But this year he knew I wanted some art work for the large blank wall above our bed, so he took a picture of our wedding rings on top of his Bible.

He did some Photoshopping to highlight a specific verse: 1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.” (NIV)

Then he ordered a large canvas print for above our bed. He even explained that he positioned the rings so that they would be hanging over our corresponding sides of the bed.

Awww.

If you would want to do this for someone special in your life, but you don’t have a fancy DSLR camera (you need one if you are going to enlarge a photo with that kind of detail), I am happy to share our picture with you!

Through this Valentine’s Day, all you have to do is sign up for my newsletter over there in my sidebar. Then comment below with your email address, letting me know you’ve signed up. I will email you the full-sized file of the above picture so that you can order your own print in whatever size you’d like from wherever you normally have your photos developed.

Please be patient as I respond to requests.

Why Your Words Matter To Adoptive Families

February 9, 2015 By: Stephanie3 Comments

Why words matter to adoptive families

Yesterday I shared a post on my personal Facebook page. It was just one of those silly lists from a pop culture site, called 15 Things Adoptive Parents Don’t Want to Hear. I noted that as adoptive parents we had heard many things on that list. An old friend commented that she is isn’t sure how to respond to adoptive parents because those kinds of lists tell people what not to say, but she doesn’t know what she should say. She recalled an awkward conversation that she had with me at the beginning of our adoption process that I honestly don’t remember. I thought that was a fair point, and and I also wanted to explain why wording matters so much in conversation with adoptive families.

When we began the adoption process, over and over again I was asked “Couldn’t you have a real baby?” Over the years this question has morphed into “Does he know about his real mom?” thrown in among other even less tactful thoughts. I am happy to answer questions about our adoption, but the way that those questions are worded, particularly when they are asked in front of my son, is extremely important. I’m going to share some numbers to try to explain why:

There are approximately 52 weeks in a year. Let’s estimate that I have this conversation with someone once a week, which is actually a very low estimate, because there are most certainly weeks when I have it multiple times a day. We adopted our son 7 years ago.

52 weeks over 7 years. 52 x 7= 364.

That means I have had this conversation a minimum of 364 times in front of my 8-year-old son.

He has heard over 300 adults imply in whispered voices that I may not be his “real” mother. It is not hard to change that word to “biological,” which is the word you are looking for. Although, funny enough, almost every time I have corrected someone it has been met with a similar reaction. A wave of the hand, a shrug, and, “Oh, you know what I mean, though, right?”

Yes. I do know what you mean. And I know that your intentions are not to hurt anyone. This one conversation might not hurt him. But, although this may be the only conversation you ever have about adoption, we don’t get the luxury of walking away afterwards. This won’t be the only conversation he overhears. He needs to hear me correct you. I’m (mostly) not doing it for your benefit.

If it comes up twice a week, that will be over 1,800 conversations by the time he’s an adult.

Could you hear something 1,800 times and not start to wonder?

Similarly, we are often told how lucky he is. This is meant to be the highest form of a compliment directed right at me. Every part of me knows that. I truly do. I know I am supposed to smile and say “thank you.”

I hope that Nicholas reaches this conclusion for himself one day when he looks back and reflects on his adoption. I hope he feels as blessed that he has us as we do that we have him. But this child is anything but lucky. Many children who have been placed for adoption have endured horrific things before coming to this place. Please, please, please do not call them lucky. It can be incredibly confusing to a child who is going through some of the worst days of his life, losing people he loved, possibly processing the aftermath of an abusive situation, to hear adults constantly telling him how lucky he is when inside he feels anything but. Just tell us as adoptive families you are glad we found each other.

I am not just being over-sensitive. Words do matter. They are the things that Bibles and wedding vows and Declarations of Independence are made of. They are the single most powerful tangible thing on the planet. So, yes, the way that you phrase things around my son regarding his adoption is extremely important. It will help shape the man that he is to become.

I just ask that you please tread carefully.