Thanks to my friend, Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist, for having me on her Character Assassination Carousel today! It’s a really fun series where we shine a spot light on all the crazy being presented to our children every day via kiddie lit. Like this little gem Nick brought home the other day…
What happened next was on me. I should have read the book myself first, but I didn’t.
I trusted a character we knew and the PBS sticker on the front of the book and I dove right in.
It started innocently enough…
Arthur is excited because his birthday is just days away. Hey, me too! (My birthday is this Thursday. I take presents in the form of chocolate and free babysitting.)
He takes his party invitations to school to hand them out to the kids in his class. His second grade class. We can infer this because Arthur is turning 8 during the school year. Arthur mentions inviting one girl to his party, Francine.
Francine immediately asks if they can play Spin the Bottle because, apparently, Francine is the whore of the whole second grade.
At this point my eyebrows were raised and my 4-year-old asked what “spin the bottle” meant, but we trudged onward in the name of literacy.
But oh no! Muffy’s party is going to be on the same day.
Arthur’s party or Muffy’s? It’s quite the quagmire.
The boys very reasonably discuss the situation at recess and decide to stick together. They are smiling and supportive of their friend. Meanwhile, the girls PMS all over the jungle gym. Muffy channels her inner Future Real Housewife and assertively declares, “Anyone who doesn’t come to my party can’t be my friend,” while Francine laments the lack of boys, just as every hormonally-charged seven-year-old should.
Shhhh….we’re coming up on my favorite part.
The part where all the second graders are left unsupervised after school and Francine asks one of life’s most important philosophical questions.
I mean, truly, what IS a party without boys? Especially when you are 7 going on 8. Or 18. You pick. We can’t ask Francine because she and Arthur are busy canoodling behind a fence.
Luckily, all that canoodling led to the ingenious plan to lie to all of their friends and forge Muffy’s handwriting on notes to other people. We can’t be sure why they need to forge Muffy’s handwriting since it turns out that Muffy is actually the one they are trying to surprise. One would think that we shouldn’t make it look like she is part of the plan, just in case one of those friends who received the fake note from “Muffy” tried to talk to her about it. Also, why are we trying to move everything to Arthur’s house? Muffy’s place is gigantic and she’s already told us she has a rock band lined up. Don’t think about it too hard. There’s no room for logic in this tree house. The pheromones are taking up too much space. Just look at Francine’s face. She can’t resist that musky little aardvark. I also like the not-so-subtly placed love birds over the Keep Out sign. Classy.
Still without any adult supervision, Arthur and Francine sneak around the neighborhood at the butt crack of dawn committing all kinds of federal offenses: tampering with mail, forgery, trespassing…it’s all in good fun.
Check out that note Arthur left for Muffy. “Dear Muffy, I have a special present for you. It is so big…Please come to my house at noon today to get it.” Ahem.
Lest we forget that it is Arthur’s birthday, we are told that three birthday cards come in the mail. He only opens one. The one with the money in it. Priorities, people. Get some. Arthur’s gonna need those dollar bills if he continues spending all that time with Francine.
Finally, all of their friends arrive, confused. Nobody knows how they got there. Turns out those “surprise packages” in their mailboxes may have been laced with roofies and chloroform. There’s no time for questions, Muffy is on her way!
Surprise!
Ain’t no party like a boy/girl party and these animals will go to great lengths to rock out co-ed style. Especially our favorite little skanky ferret.
Look at her being all coy as she hands Arthur that big ol’ box. “You have to promise me you’ll use it right away.”
Let’s just try to ignore the fact that Buster is blowing a phallic party favor right at this moment.
What could it be?
Am I the only one who is hearing Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg singing something about something in a box right now?
Of course!
A personalized Spin the Bottle game!
Just what every eight-year-old needs.
Sleep tight, kids! Now please excuse me while I bleach my eyeballs and brush my teeth because I just threw up in my mouth a little.
*Unfortunately, this is an actual book that my son really did bring home from the school library during the third week of kindergarten. Let credit go where it is due. All photos represented come from the book Arthur’s Birthday (An Arthur Adventure)
If you liked seeing Arthur assassinated today, check out the previous assassin, Urban Moo Cow, and be on the look out for the next post in the series, which will be from Mommy Needs a Martini.
Yuck! I remember reading that book as a child, but haven’t introduced Aubs to Arthur yet because I don’t like DW’s attitudes in most of the books. Thanks for the heads-up! We’ll stick to the tried and trues and the books Mommy sells 🙂
WTeverlovingF? This isn’t a CAC post, it’s a PSA. I had no idea that a) anyone still played spin the bottle and b) aardvaks and monkeys could stay up all night to get lucky.
Is this a good time for a “Blurred Lines” joke?
Well, kudos for PBS and Marc Brown for sanctioning hypersexualized behavior in second graders! I was worried we’d have to rely on the usual sources—Vicotria’s Secret, MTV, accidentally watching mommy’s DVRed episodes of Game of Thrones—to force my kids to see that their interactions with the opposite (or same) sex need not be purely academic, but also flirty!
You win the CAC prize for best use of “canoodle” in a post.
Ha! I’ve never thought of an Arthur book for the C.A.C. but this one is definitely a target! What in thee heck? 2nd and 3rd graders playing spin the bottle? I’m confused. There’s usually a lot of whining and conniving in Arthur’s stories, but a moral at the end. So I don’t mind it eventually. But I’m not cool with a personalized spin the bottle bottle!
Omg, I am seriously speechless. I agree with Nicole! This is a cautionary PSA. I don’t know Arthur (yet), but be sure I will never buy this book. What the actual F???
Oh my goodness, thank you for working in the “*ick in a box” song because it was going through my head! Funny weird stuff. Ellen
Thank goodness for the “Non-Religious” tag in the description. I was wondering whether or not the kids would be learning how to make out with other 8-year-olds in CCD class this year.
Steph! You are killing me here. “hormonally-charged seven-year-old”, “quagmire” and “canoodling” all in one post? Girl, you are bringing the real funny and rocking out the CAC. Makes me want to go read more Arthur just to read more about this nifty crowd.
I hope you’re kidding about this. It seems to me that you’re creating the innuendo. That book was written in 1989. Spin the Bottle was a common game played at b-day parties then. I remember going to b-day parties when I was a little kid, and playing it. Innocently, of course. It was all kisses on the cheek.
8-year-olds have crushes. It seems to me that Francine has a crush on Arthur, and is hoping to play Spin the Bottle so she can get a kiss, which is completely normal for an 8yo girl to think about. It’s not like she was suggesting they make out or have an orgy.
I have an 8yo step-son who talks about girlfriends often. He doesn’t actually have any, and has never kissed a girl, but it is something he’ll mention and giggle about. If there was an Arthur orgy in the book, then I’d be freaked. But it’s as innocent as Francine wanting to be able to make it to Arthur’s party because she has a crush on him. End of story.
Yes, it is a humor piece.”Hyperbole is the use of exaggeration as a rhetorical device.”<--definition of hyperbole. Although, I do definitely think that the content is not appropriate for preschoolers, who the publisher readily admits the are intended audience for this particular book.
I know what hyperbole is. 🙂 I just wasn’t sure if this was meant to be such a post. It makes more sense now. I also agree that it’s not preschool material. I’d say it’s more suitable for the 1st-3rd grade crowd.
Sorry I’m a dolt and thought you might be serious. I’m not familiar with your blog or that of the Character Assassination Carousel. I love satire and hyperbole. Honest engine. I just couldn’t tell if this was for real; especially since there are some crazy people out there today that might actually criticize the book.
lol, ok. Sorry I got sassy with you. You can still come to my party.
Perhaps, there could at least be a disclaimer next to that PBS sticker: “Parents- please enjoy this Arthur book and your first of (hopefully not) many awkward sex talks with your kids.” The gift was Spin the Bottle?! So, something breakable + encouraging kissy face for 3-6 year-olds? Niiiiice.
Oh furk. We have this book on our bookshelf. Or at least we did. About 3 minutes ago. Who would have thought I’d have to censor a PBS character?!
I never liked this book or the PBS show. Aardvarks? I’m just picturing Marc Brown trying to think of what to write and going down the animal dictionary, stopping at the first animal and calling it a day. Kind of like when businesses call themselves AAA Cleaners or AAA Donuts. They figure people are naturally lazy and won’t look after the first one.
By the way, you’d think that Arthur would have just had his party the next day. If I was Muffy ready for the rock band to play a heavy metal version of “Happy Birthday” in my big backyard, and instead got the lame party hats, balloons and phallic party favors at Arthur’s house, it definitely would NOT be a HAPPY birthday.
My birthday is this Friday, and all I want is a nap.
Right? Muffy got the short end of that stick. I’d settle for a birthday nap too, but I’d rather have someone else clean my bathrooms.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with Karin up above. This really is NOT appropriate for the 1-3rd grade crowd. I have kids that age, and I am not about to explain to them what “Spin the Bottle” is. Completely inappropriate for this age.
Oh, so now we’re slut-shaming fictional elementary school-age primates? (Kidding, I just learned what the term “slut-shaming” means and I’m trying to work it into as many conversations as I can.) Truly though, as a recovering 2nd grade whore, I have to defend Francine here. She’s just trying to compete with snooty rich girl Muffy who has a rock band and Pickles the Clown booked for her fancy soiree. I’d rather party with Francine any day of the week. But seriously – sorry you had to explain Spin the Bottle to your kindergartener, for so many reasons, not the least of which is that now other parents are going to think YOU are the whore for exposing your kids to such age-inappropriate filth, when really all you were doing is reading a library book aloud to your kid. Thanks a lot, Marc Brown.