Once upon a time I was a very pregnant lady walking through Kohl’s with two toddlers squirming in an awkwardly long and hard to manage double stroller, just trying to use my 20% off coupon to stock up on mittens and sweatpants for said toddlers as the winter months loomed ahead.
I pretty much looked like this
Except with a stroller. And I was probably waddling.
As soon as we got there my son announced he had to use the potty, so we hoofed it all the way to the back of the store and I squeezed my giant butt, my two kids, and our over-sized stroller into the handicapped stall, the only one big enough to accommodate all of us.
While we were there I decided to use the potty too, because when you are 8 months pregnant and you have the opportunity you take it.
I was also at the point in pregnancy when a woman needs to wear panty liners 24/7, just in case. In case of what? Use your imagination. There are plenty of yucky things that have the potential to start leaking when you get to a certain point. TMI? Sorry. Back to my story.
I took a panty liner out of my purse. It happened to have a yellow wrapper.
I guess my kids thought it resembled the Kraft Singles they are used to seeing me use to make their grilled cheese.
My son started yelling, “Mom! Why are you putting cheese in your undies? Cheese does not go there! Gross!”
I heard muffled giggles from the other stalls.
“This isn’t cheese. It’s…um..it’s like a mommy band-aid, I guess.”
“Do your undies have a boo-boo?”
“Well, no, but sometimes ladies start to bleed even if they don’t have a boo-boo….” My two-year-old daughter was starting to look horrified. I could see her poor little mind wondering if she was going to turn into a bloody corpse at any second because she is a girl.
“Ok, fine, nevermind. We’ll just call it cheese. It’s not a big deal.”
We made it out of the bathroom and through our shopping without further incident.
Until we were in line to check out, that is. This was a fairly long line full of plenty of other people within earshot, mind you.
My son started whining because he was hungry.
I told him that I was sorry, but I hadn’t brought any snacks in my purse today, to which he replied,
“That’s okay mommy, I can just have some of the cheese you keep in your undies!”
And we never went to Kohl’s again.
(Not true, we still go to Kohl’s all the time.)