Ok, here is the deal:
Background:
I know I’ve mentioned on this blog before that our 3-year-old son has a lot of issues. Specifically, he has a sensory processing disorder that is similar to an autistic child. (but he is not autistic because he does not have any social issues.) So basically certain textures really bother him and he is very particular about some stuff, like the way his blankets are arranged on top of him at night and he also has sensory-seeking behaviors, like throwing himself into walls. But that is the small issue.
The big issue is that he “probably” (only in quotation marks because psychologists are hesitant to give the diagnosis based on his age, he actually has every marker for this disorder) has Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is not unusual for kids who have been adopted out of foster care. It means that he has trouble bonding to us as his parents, specifically to me as his mother, and he has A LOT of rage and resentment in his little body.
So that leads to behaviors like throwing chairs at windows, trying to smother his baby sister, attacking the dog, toppling the television, smearing poop, biting, kicking, scratching, and other unpleasantness when he is alone with me. When he is around other people, especially people he doesn’t know well, he is usually the sweetest well-mannered little boy you’ve ever met.
Now, we knew this was a possibility going into this adoption and we accept and love our son very much. But I have run out of ideas.
What I’ve Tried so Far:
–Enrolling him in Early Intervention (it’s a government program for children with special needs)
-Occupational Therapy
-Play Therapy
-Psychoanalysis
-Reading biblical and secular parenting books
-Taking parenting classes through our church and the community
-Talking to the pediatrician
-sticker charts
-weighted vest
-heavy blankets
-a gluten free diet
-time outs
-spanking (at the recommendation of the pediatrician !?!)
-trying to enroll him in art & music therapy, but I was told he is too young.
The Problem:
Nothing works. Like, nothing. At all. No matter what I do it continues to get worse.
And so…
If anyone has dealt with these kinds of behaviors and has specific books or techniques that have worked for you I would love to hear from you because I am officially at my wits end. Giving up is not an option, but I can’t just tread water until he turns 18, which is what it feels like we are doing at this point just to keep him safe from himself.
If you have any suggestions please email me at stephaniegiese@aim.com
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STRONG…you are a strong mother and he is a strong child.
I know that all that love you carry is the key.
My wonderful grandmother in law is a psychologist and her husband as well, they have a practice in Maryland. I send her your blog and asked her to please contact you with suggestions and things that may help. they are soo sweet and ive reach out to them as you are a person i care dearly about and the love you have for your family is amazing.
I hope she can help and Ill be here always if you need anything. I wish i could be closer to help, but i hope that my words of support here and there help a bit.
lots of love and you are in my heart!
so here are my thoughts – please just take them as that…
if he has RAD – trust seems to be a major issue…
from what I’ve observed in children — they want consistency; which means security to them (and therefore builds a basis for trust). This means same routines, same results/consequences to behavior, same demonstrations of love in spite of behavior, same rewards for good behavior. You & Eddie choosing the routine/consequences that you feel is best for your son and all of your family – and then staying there. And oh.. that will be sooooo hard! I personally tend to be fairly flexible – moving through each situation. My children have taught me that I can’t always do that 🙁 I don’t like having to hold the line and hand out the consequences and say the same words – over and over again!! Another thought – once you have made decisions – being sure that ALL caregivers know the rules and are willing to stand strong.
and please know that YOU are loved and prayed for – If you need to talk, don’t hesitate (even if I seem pre-occupied… remember, I like flexibility!! 🙂 )
Thanks Steffi! And….Anna? Is that you? I’m guessing based on initials. I will look forward to hearing from your grandma-in-law, thank you so much for reaching out to her for me, you are such an amazing friend! And person I am assuming is Anna, you are right! Consistency is key and that is probably one of the areas in which we have been lacking as search for answers. Thank you both for your suggestions and support!
I used to work with children with RAD in my former life as a child advocate, and I know you are dealing with one of the toughest issues for a parent. I think the big thing for you is to try and keep the big picture in mind–look for small improvements and do anything you can to let him know that you are there regardless of how much he pushes you away. Sometimes with attachment disorders you can’t see the positive differences that you or his doctors are making, but it is happening in there. Also look for child advocacy agencies in your area–they might be able to consult with you over the phone to recommend other resources in your area. I will pray for you and your son!
You really should check out the Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation for help and the STAR (sensory therapies and research) center. They are run by Dr. Lucy Miller, she is the one that ‘discovered’ sensory processing disorder and they are the leaders in sensory processing disorder treatment. They also support parent groups around the world:
http://www.spdfoundation.net/families.html
You should read the book “Wounded Children, Healing Homes” by Jayne Schooler. It deals with the adoptive issues and behaviors you are describing.
You should also look into treatment for post traumatic stress disorder, which can be at the root of your child’s RAD. Most likely, he was severely traumatized early in life. Treatment may not take care of all his issues, but it will help. More information about PTSD in kids can be found at http://www.Different Dream.com. Type PTSD in the search box and click on the link to Intensive Trauma Therapy Institute within the blog entries.
If you have more questions, please email me.