It’s National Breastfeeding Week (yes, that’s an actual thing) so I wanted to do a post about my experience, which was less than perfect because if you are in the same boat that I was, I don’t want you to feel alone.
When I was pregnant with Abby I had every intention to nurse her and after the delivery, I tried
and tried
and tried
and tried
and…nothing
over a week later I wasn’t even producing a quarter of an ounce.
We saw 5 different lactation consultants.
We tried the nipple shield (which I like to refer to as the devil’s sombrero).
They even gave me extra time in the hospital to try to get the hang of it.
They had me on a schedule that started every two hours.
I would try her on each side for 30 minutes, then pump for 40, then I had 20 minutes to shower or eat or nap or go to the bathroom, then we started all over again. I knew I couldn’t do that forever because I also had a 2-year old at home to take care of and I couldn’t recover very well from surgery only getting 20 minutes of sleep at a time.
I did nothing but breastfeed all day, every day, but it just wouldn’t work.
The little milk I was producing was getting contaminated with blood because I was so torn up.
I would cry every time she tried to latch on because I was in so much pain. I have never felt like more of a failure in my entire life. I couldn’t help but think that if I had given birth 200 years ago we both would have died. I needed a c-section and now I can’t even feed my own baby, natural selection would have done its thing. I’m probably not cut out for this, then. It was really depressing.
She would also cry the whole time because she was literally starving.
We started supplementing with formula, but she still lost over 10% of her body weight in less than 24 hours.
So we added a little more formula.
We did this for the first two weeks, then sometime in the third week, my mom came to my house to stay with us for a few days.
She saw that it was a painful, tearful experience for both of us and simply asked, “Why do you want to breastfeed?”
“Because it’s supposed to be the best thing for her, and the bonding, and, I don’t know.”
“Was this the kind of bonding that you had envisioned?”
“No.”
“Then it’s ok to stop.”
That was all I needed, for someone to tell me that it was alright to stop.
Eddie knew how much I wanted to do it and he saw how determined I was, so he didn’t want to discourage me.
When we had a follow-up call from one of the lactation consultants a few weeks later, she said the same thing. She knew I probably wouldn’t be able to do it, but didn’t want to discourage me.
I wish I would have stopped sooner.
It’s ok to stop.
Sometimes it’s actually better to stop.
I will try again when this baby comes, but now I know that I’m not less of a mother if I give my baby formula.
It would be nice to know the pleasant side, the bonding side, the much much cheaper side, but hey… formula is convenient and it means daddy can handle just as many middle of the night feedings đŸ˜‰
Thing is, we don’t live 200 years ago. We live right now. And there is a reason formula exists too.
(I know it’s hard to believe, but Abby is only 18 days old in this picture. She was a HUGE baby!)
This isn’t the first time I’ve published a boob-related post, they’re usually just a little more light-hearted. Linking my (and my readers!) favorites below.
I told you about the time a priest saw me naked.
I told you about the time my mom got stuck in a mammogram machine.
I wrote a letter to Santa asking for a breast reduction.
I told you about the time my mom humiliated me when I was fifteen because she made me take off my bra and give it to my sister.
i am sorry you had such a sour experience! maybe the next one will be different? i didn’t have trouble with mine in the beginning, but my supply started waning for no reason around 4mo. i tried some herbal stuff but I knew i couldn’t do that forever. i eventually started supplementing with formula, then by 6mo i was completely dry. i had intended on going for longer but–in a different way–i also had to accept that my body was doing it’s own thing and that i would have to change my expectations of myself.
Hey. I have a BFF who was a state lactation consultant. We were having a discussion a while back and I remembered an article that I read about a pair of OB/GYNs (who are Mommies) that started a Lactation Cookies business locally. http://www.milkin-cookies.com/
I know you are in PA but instead of buying them from one of the many sites out there. Bake a batch for yourself in your beautiful kitchen *loved it*. They are wholesome and nutritious and your little ones would probably like them also.
When it comes to breast feeding…Try, try again! *hugs*
I had a c-section with my first, and a similar story – except I was a bit easier on myself about giving up. A lactation nurse (who was really very supportive and reassuring) told me that my milk supply just wasn’t there, and probably the only way to get it established was to go on a prescription drug, which hadn’t been tested for breast feeding but which was known to increase milk supply in most women. I got the prescription, but never filled it; in the end, I felt that formula has been around for decades, and was probably safer for my baby than a prescription drug that hadn’t been tested for breastfeeding. (My concerns were that the drug could pass onto my child; and not enough was known about its effects on babies; and that the drug might well encourage a milk supply, but would that milk supply be a good enough quality to sustain my baby?)
It wasn’t until my second child was born that I learned that c-sections interfere with milk production, and that it is often very difficult to breastfeed after a c-section.
Which would’ve been nice to know the first time around.
I quite enjoyed breastfeeding; but for me it wasn’t the best thing for my baby.