Forget Bringing Sexy Back, Can We Focus On Bringing Intimacy Back For a Second?

Sorry, Justin. You know I love you. (I can’t help it, I was a teenager in the ’90’s.) 

But I don’t really think we need to focus on bringing sexy back right now, because it’s already here. 

It’s everywhere, including places it really doesn’t need to be- like printed on the back of these “hip shorts” that are clearly actually underwear (I hope) and also feature the phrase “All tied up.” But, you know, there is a picture of a bow tie on them, so it’s punny. Way to keep it classy, JT. 

I’ve been spending a great deal of time reading research and articles about the sexualization of girls lately, in preparation for that Glenn Beck segment and as part of the super secret larger project I’ll tell you about soon. 

Do you know what’s missing from all of these conversations about sexualization? 

The idea of intimacy. 

Remember that? 

Opening yourself up and becoming vulnerable to another person. The idea that friendship and emotional connection are an important part of a sexual relationship. Actually, I’d argue the most important part. 

Because, really, without intimacy, what exactly is the point? 

Otherwise, you are just using another person the same way you could theoretically be using your right hand. And wouldn’t that be easier anyway? (Yes, I went there, I’m not apologizing.) 

Yet, our pop culture seems to be trying to completely divorce the connection between intimacy and sex today. 

The two highest paid actresses on TV, Kaley Couco and Sofia Vergara, are playing highly sexualized characters.

My kids can’t watch a football game with their father on a Sunday afternoon without seeing commercials for erectile dysfunction medication, Victoria Secret, and prime time network shows that talk about the ideas of threesomes and one night stands (Thank you Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory).    

I don’t want my children to become de-sensitized to sex. Not because I’m a prude (which I’m actually not), but because sex is a sensitive, intimate experience. 

You can’t experience intimacy in a casual relationship because those two ideas are opposing forces. Intimacy is a bond that develops over time and is based on trust, commitment and compassion, none of which are casual. 

Do you know what is funny? 

Today I was looking for stock images of “sexy” as part of another project, and in my Googling I noticed something. 

In all of the photos where the couples seemed to actually be in believable intimate, personal relationships (you know, the kind of “sexy” worth having), they all had their clothes on. They weren’t even engaged in any explicit sexual activity. Yet those were the photos that made me feel like I was intruding on some sort of private moment. 

Intimacy is powerful and special. See for yourself. 

 This is what sexy intimacy looks like. 

It looks like actually enjoying the company of another person so much that you are comfortable enough to be completely at ease.

It looks like text messages that say, “I’m so glad you landed safely. How are you feeling after that flight? I was watching the air currents on the internet and I saw it was probably pretty rough. I know how much you hate airplanes.”  

It looks like folding piles of laundry while watching late night movies on the couch. 

It looks liked shared secrets and inside jokes. 

It looks like taking care of the needs of another person and allowing him/her to take care of you, too. 

It looks like spending every day with your best friend. Because that’s what it is. 

Why would we ever run away from that? Especially to turn towards something much less gratifying? 

There is a misconception floating around out there among our youth that these kinds of relationships are boring. 

They aren’t. There is nothing sexier in the world than a person who has seen you at your very worst and still chooses to love you every day anyway. 

Sex is only a small part of intimacy, but intimacy is the most important part of sex. 

 So, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if we are to believe most of the images on tv and movies and the articles in Cosmo- we’re having sex wrong. We took the most important part away. How can that possibly be satisfying? 

The thirst will just never be quenched, because we are missing that essential part: the intimate part. 

You don’t drink beer while you run a marathon. Even though beer might seem fun and make you feel good for a minute in certain situations, it will not sustain you on a longer, more strenuous journey. 

Casual sex is like cheap beer. Intimacy with another person is like water. It sustains us through the most difficult circumstances.  

I want my children (and yours) to grow up with a healthy idea of what “sexy” means. We can’t do that until we bring the idea of intimacy back into our conversations about sex.

We can’t just have clinical discussions about which part goes where and the mechanics of how that works.

We have to recognize that part of what makes us human is our ability to form deep emotional connections. 

And then we have to give ourselves permission to do that. 

So let’s do it. 

Let’s bring intimacy back.