Binkies and Briefcases

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Getting Through the Terrible Threes: Advice from a Parenting Specialist and Mom of Three

By: Stephanie4 Comments

 

Making it Through the Terrible 3's Without Losing Your Cool. Really practical advice from a professional parenting specialist who is also a mom of three young kids.

I may be a professional parenting specialist, but that doesn’t mean I have perfect children.

Lately, the terrible threes have hit our house hard. (Does anyone else think three is soooo much worse than two?)

Don’t let that angelic face fool you.

Lately there has been plenty of this…

and some of this…

She even ran away and hid  at the end of a church function with hundreds of people. One of our friends heard her laughing in the bathroom (which we had searched three times!) because we couldn’t find her.

Do you ever wonder how the “professionals” handle their own children? I can only speak for myself, but I do have a system.

The process I like to use has three steps: Cue, Do, Review

Of course before we can get to any of the steps, the parent (in this case, me) has to remain calm. Can I tell you a secret? I like to pretend they’re not my kids. Not to rid myself of responsibility, just so that I make sure to watch the way I talk to them. I try to talk to my own children with the control and authority I would have used in my classroom when discipline was necessary. My teacher-means-business voice is always more affective than my there-goes-mommy-yelling-at-us-again voice.

Once you have it together…

Step 1: Cue
If you are familiar with Love & Logic, this is where you would use the “uh-oh” song. Just give them some kind of verbal signal to tell them that what they are doing is not a good idea. You might even want to ask, “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

Step 2: Do
You already gave them a cue to stop, but they did it anyway. Now it’s your turn to do something. Give them a time out, take the toy that they are fighting over away from them, or hand them a soapy rag and have them start scrubbing the crayon off the wall.

Step 3: Review
I know that Love & Logic advocates letting the kids figure it out for themselves, but the educator in me just can’t pass up an opportunity to review a learning experience. The important thing is to watch what you say and how and when  you say it.

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      Review after they are calm. Don’t dwell on what they did wrong, lecture them on why they were punished, or scold them further. Instead, take the time to show them you are tuned in to how they feel and have a moment of reflection together.
  •  Example: “You seem to be pretty frustrated today. It can be hard to share when you don’t want to. Let’s think about what you could do next time.”
  • Non-Example:  “Do you know why you are in time-out? That is the fifth time this week that you took a toy away from your sister! You are so naughty sometimes! Mommy had to put you in timeout to teach you a lesson. I hope you learned something. Next time you need to share!”  (Don’t we all sound like that mom sometimes!)
 
All kids are going to misbehave. It’s part of their job description, but I find that when I am able to do this consistently it really makes a big difference. It helps me maintain a sense of authority but also allows for grace and forgiveness. I want them feeling bad about their poor decisions, but good about their relationship with me, and confident in their ability to make a different choice next time. Those things will become even more important as they grow into their teenage years.

What about your family? Do you have any tricks you use with your kids?

linking to A to Z

 

What REALLY Happened Yesterday

By: Stephanie3 Comments

 

So…I could tell you that yesterday after homeschooling and piano lessons we went to meet a good friend of mine at a local farm to pick fresh blueberries and cherries. I could share lovely pictures that Tabatha took on her phone.

 
 I could tell you that we came home and had a nice homemade dinner followed by good old fashioned lemon sticks and after the children were bathed and in bed, we were able to get more work done on the house plans. 
 
 
Yes, I think that is what I will do. I will tell you those nice things instead. All of them are technically true.  I won’t tell you that I stole those pictures from Tab’s Facebook page because I was too lazy to take any.
 
I won’t tell you that by “homeschool” I mean one worksheet I printed from the internet or that “piano lessons” is just me and two kids still in what’s left of their pajamas after they’ve discarded their pants, sitting in the living room in front of Eddie’s old keyboard making our way through an instruction book I bought off of Amazon. Nevermind that I don’t know how to play the piano myself.
 
I won’t tell you that I made my poor friend drive over an hour from out of state just to find out the berry picking fields were closed.
 
I won’t tell you about the poop explosion that she had to deal with or about how my son hit and bit me when we left the playground. 
 
I won’t tell you that when we came home I let my kids watch tv for almost three hours until Eddie came home or that our family dinner was really just microwaved chicken nuggets, applesauce, and freezer pops.
 
I won’t tell you that I fell asleep on the sofa at 9:30 in the middle of watching Design Star while my poor husband stayed up for hours reading over stormwater ordinances. 
 
I won’t admit to not showering yesterday. 
 
I have an image to uphold, after all. ; )
 

linking up to finding the funny

 

I Blinked

By: Stephaniecomment

…and half a year flew by. Now, this little lady is turning six months old this week.

I’m sad it is going by so fast. We are probably done having children, so I want to hang on to the baby stage as long as possible and it certainly doesn’t hurt that thus far Miss Penny is pretty much the easiest baby ever. (Her sister, on the other hand, was very demanding, so we know how lucky we are!)

Last night she slept for 9 straight hours in her crib, then she woke up to have breakfast, played in her exercauser for a little while, then fell back asleep for another two-hour nap.

She is very calm (so much so that we are actually a little concerned about her hearing) and unless she is hungry you probably won’t be hearing a peep out of her. Maybe some cooing, since she has recently started making the most adorable noises ever as she experiments with trying to talk.

She gives “kisses” by opening her mouth as wide as she can and gnawing on your cheek. Iloveit. 

She is starting to wave a little. Sort of. Sometimes.

Other skills include rolling over, almost being able to sit on her own, eating solid foods, the most adorable giggle in the universe when you tickle her neck, finally sleeping in her crib (as opposed to co-sleeping on the sofa or chillin’ in her car seat all night) and not liking to poop in public places, which mommy appreciates.

Also, she will be graduating top of her class from Harvard in 2034 and on the Presidential ticket in 2048, although we might have to wait another 4 years for her sister to finish serving her second term. (Their brother will be too busy for political affairs, as he has aspirations to join the Navy and pilot the Blue Angels.)

 

$ What I’m Worth $ (And why I won’t be going back to work any time soon)

By: Stephanie2 Comments

Obviously, I know that I have a great worth to my family that goes beyond anything material and I am doing pretty well with my self worth these days too. I’ve heard of several studies that looked into what the actual monetary value of a stay at home mom could be, but the ones I look at included ridiculous things like so much an hour for time spent as a personal shopper. I was curious about what a realistic look at my monetary value to our family is. Every now and then we fluctuate on whether or not I should go back to work to bring in more money, but we always come to the conclusion that it would probably just be a wash for us financially, so why bother. However, we have never actually done the math, so I wanted to see for myself, and for the several other moms I know who struggle with this dilemma. 

Salary of a stay at home mom

I’m not even going to bother adding in my part-time income from teaching parenting classes because it fluctuates. Some months I bring in a few hundred dollars, some I don’t bring in anything.

Childcare: When we had Nicholas in childcare as a toddler we paid $165/week for one kid. Now we have three. That’s $500 per week or $2,000 a month that we would have to pay in childcare costs if I was working. Let’s assume Nick would be in school and would only need before and after school care. Take out $500. That still leaves $1,500/month in childcare costs.

School: Since we are planning to home school for kindergarten, it’s more equivalent to a private education than a public one. The private schools in our area average around $5,000/year, which is about $500 a month for a ten month school year. (Now we’re right back up to that $2,000 mark)

Food Savings: I also save an average of $35 a week with coupons, which doesn’t seem like much, but it does add up to about $140 per month, plus I do the vegetable garden and canning in the summer, so I think it’s fair to bring that total up to around $175/month. And I cook a lot more than I did when I was working because I have time at home and the kids aren’t eating school lunches, so that saves us at least another $50 (That’s actually a very low estimate because it would cost that much for our family of five us to eat at McDonald’s just twice over the course of a month) So now the total for that is around $225 

I also don’t spend nearly the amount of money that I would need to if I were still working on things like gasoline and a professional wardrobe. I used to have to fill my car up twice a week when I was working because even though I was teaching at our local school, I had to drive to trainings and science contact meetings, and to and from the childcare facility every day. Now I only need to fill up once, and sometimes not even that much. It costs $45 to fill up our van, so if we are saving a full tank every week, that’s $180/month

We also used to pay a local college student $75 every two weeks to clean our house because I didn’t have time to do it myself and I wanted to spend my limited free time with my kid. That’s $150/month.   

So, realistically, if we just look at these few things I am “making” $2,555 each month in tax-free income by not working outside the home. (There is plenty of other stuff I could include, like the crazy amount of health care co-pays we used to have because Nicholas was at the doctor all the time. Daycare is a walking germ pool. But just looking at those few areas is enough to see it makes more financial sense for me to be home.)

For comparison, when I was teaching my salary was $42,000 per year. After taxes and insurance were taken out of my check, I brought home about $2,400 each month. 


We are actually saving almost $2,000 year by me not working.


So, I guess my stay at home “salary” is realistically equivalent to about $44,000 per year.

I looked up the salaries for teachers in our area with 4 years of experience and a Master’s Degree (the level I would be if I went back to work) On the latest list I found, it was $45,740, pretty close to the median household income in our state.

Even if we assume we wouldn’t have to pay taxes on the extra $1,700 per year that would come into our house, it would only maybe increase our disposable income by $35 a week if I went back to work. (And that’s assuming I could even find a full-time teaching job, which is a huge assumption with the way our local schools are treating their teachers right now.)

I’m not giving up these years with my children for a measly $35. I can make up that difference by just using more coupons. 🙂  

It does make me curious if other people have examined this when they say things to me like, “It must be so nice to be able to afford not to work.”

I don’t know how single parents do it, but personally, I can’t afford to work. 

Obviously, everyone’s situation is unique, but I know that it makes me feel good to know that not only am I a valuable asset as a mom to my kids, but we honestly wouldn’t be any better off if I was working full time anyway.

 

How To Entertain Kids For An Entire Day Without Technology or Toys

By: Stephanie1 Comment

Great ideas for games and activities you can do with kids!

Nick and Abby’s birthdays are only 6 weeks apart. I am not one for huge birthday parties for kids. We usually just invite our parents and siblings over for lunch and some cake in a combined birthday party, but my kids are lucky enough to have 7 living grandparents, 2 uncles, an aunt, and a special surrogate aunt. That’s 11 people bringing presents, plus mom and dad. That’s 25 new toys coming in to my house in one day and some people bring more than one gift. We appreciate all of the great new toys, but it can get a little overwhelming thinking about where to put them all.

I started thinking about what we would play with when we were little and there were very few toys I actually remembered. Some Magic Nursery Dolls, Polly Pockets and Barbies. I know the importance of toys, I used to own a toy library, but what I remember the most is playing all day at my Mommom’s house when she would babysit us and most of the time we never took out a single toy. She would play these games with us all day long. 

If you find yourself unexpectedly babysitting young kids or if you just want your family to just unplug from all of the stuff for a minute, try a few of these ideas. 

Stone School:
Sit on the bottom step of a flight of stairs (kindergarten) and hide a small rock in one hand. Hide your hands behind your back. Have the other person guess which hand the rock is in. If they guess correctly, you move up to the next grade level (the next step). The object is to “graduate” to the top step.

Stage:
Everyone sits on the couch and you take turns getting up one at a time and preforming a song of your choice.

Hide and Seek:
Pretty sure you already know how to play this, but just in case, everyone hides and one person tries to find them. Just be careful your kids aren’t as good at this game as mine are! 

Punchanello:
Similar to follow the leader. One person does something silly while the others sing “What can you do, Punchanello, funny fellow? What can you do Punchanello, funny you?” Then everyone else copies the first person and sings “We can do that too, Punchanello, funny fellow. We can do that too, Punchanello, funny you.”

Follow the Leader
Same as above, without the silly song.

Hot Butter Beans
No one knows why we called it that, but in this game one person hides an object. We used the red top from the plastic stacking rings but it could be anything: a rock, a shoe, whatever. The others are in another room while it is being hid. Once it is hidden, the hider shouts “Hot butter beans, come to supper!!!!” and everyone look for the object. The hider says whether the lookers are “hot” (close) or “cold” (far away) until they find it.

Simon Says
Pretty sure you already know about this one too.

Store
Mommom would take real food, cereal boxes or whatever, out of the pantry and line it up along the fireplace and we would take turns shopping being the cashier putting it into plastic bags, etc.

Tea Party
In our house this means spreading out a towel on the kitchen floor and giving the kids a big bowl of water and some kitchen utensils to play with

Build a Fort
My dad used to make a mean fort out of the kitchen chairs and a few blankets.

Paint
Funny enough, when my kids paint we rarely actually use paint. We like to use a q-tip to draw with water & food coloring. You can also spread shaving cream on the table or sidewalk and let them fingerprint in that. In the summer my kids like to make “disappearing ink” drawings on the sidewalk (which are really just painted with plain ol’ water). 

Scavenger Hunt
My Aunt Chotts always has a scavenger hunt ready for kids to do as the first part of their visit to her home.

Silly Songs
My Mommom’s favorite was “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”

If the weather is nice, take a walk, go to the park, play tag.

Sock War
Pretty much, you just throw balled up (preferably clean) socks at each other

I Spy
Lately this is Abby’s absolute favorite. One person says “I spy with my little eye something…red(or whatever color)” and the rest take turns guessing until they figure it out.

20 Questions
We always played this in the car. One person thinks of something then the others take turns asking yes or no questions and see if they can guess what it is before they’ve asked 20 questions.

Flashlight Tag

In the evening we will sometimes go out in the yard and hand each kid a flashlight from the dollar store. Then they play a regular game of tag, but with flashlights. 

Design Your Own Board Game

Then play it. My cousin Sally and I loved to do this when we stayed with my grandmother for a week each summer. We would always design a trap where you would get stuck if you happened to land on a certain space. (For example, that space might say “Move ahead 4 spaces,” but in 4 spaces it would say “Move back 4 spaces” and you would be stuck moving back and forth. We thought this was hilarious.)

Create a Neighborhood Newspaper.

Walk around with the kids and interview a few of your neighbors who are outside and you know are friendly. Have the kids write stories like “Mr. Jackson is Planting His Tomatoes Early This Year!” and draw pictures to go with them. Then make copies and distribute them to the neighbors you interviewed.  

Get a Disposable Camera and Let the Kids Take a Photo Walk

Put the pictures in an album from the dollar store. 

Sidewalk Chalk

Is great for drawing pictures or for making your own hopscotch or four square court (although you would need a ball to play four square). 

There are a lot more things you can do that don’t require any toys. I’d love to hear some of your favorites in the comments!


You Won’t Be the Mom You Thought You’d Be

By: Stephanie2 Comments

I was the first of my close friends to become a mom and now several of them have started to join me in this stage of life. While I have just added my third, they are on baby number one or two and lately, a few friends have come to me and said things like “How are you doing this? Why does it look so easy for you, but I feel like I’m drowning with just one?”

So I share my secret with them: Three is much easier than one. The first is hard, the second is harder (there’s no such thing as “sleep when the baby sleeps” when there is also a toddler) but according to my limited experience and everyone I’ve talked to so far with more than two, it gets much easier after that.

 

The work doesn’t get easier. You just learn how to function without a full night of sleep. The housework can wait until the weekend, but the windows probably won’t get washed again, like, ever. Most importantly, you’ve learned who you are as a mom and you can stop battling with your previous expectations.

You’ve heard the expression “I was a better mom before I had kids.” Well actually, I think I was just a different mom before I had kids. There are some things I thought would be non-negotiable that I no longer care about at all, and there are some things that I never imagined I’d do that wound up coming very naturally. And sometimes I contradict myself and it’s ok.

When we first met Nicholas it was in a McDonald’s. He was 13 months old and his foster mom was letting him chew on a french fry. Later when Eddie and I were talking I was all, “I don’t want our kids eating fast food.” I only bought Morning Star ‘chicken’ nuggets (they’re actually made out of vegetable protein) and I took off the breading before I served them. Now my kids eat tons of french fries because drive thus are easy.

I was always the self-proclaimed worst gardener in the history of the universe and I had NO intention of ever growing food, but now we have our own organic vegetable garden and fruit tree because something has to balance out all those french fries. It never even occurred to me pre-children that it was something we should focus on, but turns out one of the most important things to me in my mission of motherhood is to give my kids a healthy understanding of food, even if they do eat kids meals one or two or maybe three times a week.

I’d never even heard of home canning, but this past year I put up peach slices, peach butter, peach honey, and applesauce.

I fully intended to be using cloth diapers for Abby. I have a whole bunch in her bottom drawer still. As it turns out, cloth diapering totally sucks. (no offense if that is your choice.)

I thought I’d breastfeed Abby but just wasn’t able for medical reasons. I thought I wouldn’t be able to nurse Penny either for those same reasons, but that’s going great. Go figure.

I never intended to make my own baby food, but I did. Because it turns out mashing up a banana or sweet potato with a fork is just as good as using those fancy food mills and it’s cheaper and has no preservatives, unlike those nasty little jars.

I never thought I’d have a child who struggled with reading but I do.

I never thought I’d have a child who is still struggling with the potty at age 5, but I do.

I never thought we’d co-sleep, but we do. On the couch. For almost 3 months now. Because you learn to do what works.

I never, ever, ever thought I would spank a child. Ever. But I have.

I never thought I’d buy clothes for my kids from a thrift store. Done it. (Still can only do clothes new with tags, but still, I’ve done it.)

I thought Kate Gosselin was ridiculous when I saw an interview where she said she didn’t allow her kids to play with markers because of the mess. My kids only own Color Wonder markers.

I thought I’d always be a dog lover. I used to take my dog to doggie daycare because I didn’t want her to be lonely during the day. We bought a second dog to keep her company. Once we had kids my first precious dog went to another family who could give her more attention and I literally wanted to shoot our current dog when all she did was sniff my baby the day we brought her home from the hospital.

I never minded taking kids I babysat to places like Chuck E Cheese. As a parent, I HATE Chuck E Cheese with a passion that burns deep in my soul.

I never thought I’d be a “Bible thumper” but there are times when we are at church 4 days out of the week.

I know it isn’t what you thought it would be. That’s ok. It might not seem like it right now, but eventually, it will be better than you thought it would be.

Like Tuesday morning. I was busy getting the snack together for our Mom N Me group and my kids were playing in the kitchen. Well, Nick was trying to play and Abby was being extremely annoying and constantly taking toys out of his hands. What I thought he would do is smack her, or at the very least come to tattle. What he actually did was ask me, “Mommy, do you know what my verse is this week? Bear with each other and be patient.” (Ephesians 4:2)

Touche, little man.

So, that is my advice to you, brand new moms. When you aren’t the mom you thought you’d be. When you are no longer the same wife you thought you were. When you haven’t yet learned to love your brand new baby the way you thought you would.

Bear with each other and be patient.

It gets easier.

Mommy Guilt Is Dumb

By: Stephanie2 Comments

This year I’m kind of a Grinch. Not in a bad attitude sort of way, but in a rob innocent little children of decorations and experiences sort of way.

In the past 12 days, we’ve had a gas leak and I’ve been hospitalized twice for preterm labor issues. (Don’t worry, everything’s ok, I just started having contractions and some other gross labor-y symptoms at 34 weeks and since that’s too early to deliver they put me on a special medicine to stop them.) I’m at 35 and a half weeks now so we are getting really close to the point where it will be ok if she decides to come a little early.

Christmas Mom Guilt

So we (I) decided that this year we shouldn’t really bother doing much decorating for Christmas. We put up our pre-lit tree and that was it. No ornaments, no outside lights, no wreaths, nothin’. Nick was upset about the lack of ornaments, so we made a deal with him that any ornament he made at preschool or Sunday school could go on the tree. Then he started talking about when the Elf On A Shelf was coming. Geez, kid, you are 4. How do you remember that from last year? So I guess we might need to dig that out too, but I am not doing any of the adorable ideas from Pinterest. He can sit on top of a cabinet and stay there for 3 weeks.

I wanted to have apple butter canned to give away. I didn’t do it.

I wanted to have over a dozen heating pads made, I’ve only made half.

I wanted to make applesauce ornaments for the Sunday school teachers. Haven’t gotten to that yet. Not sure if I will.

I wanted to crochet a few scarves to give as gifts. I’ve made none.

We’re not making Christmas cookies. (Unless they are already decorated with the reindeer face slice and bake kind.)

The Christmas event at Dutch Wonderland (a local amusement park) and the ride on the train with Santa at the Strasbourg railroad? Not happening.

Neither is my tradition of going outlet shopping with a girlfriend.

We might not even wrap the kids’ presents to go under the tree. (Eddie & I debate this every year. I came from a family where Santa didn’t wrap presents because that is a lot of extra work/mess, but Eddie prefers Santa’s presents wrapped so that the kids can concentrate on one gift at a time and because it looks nice.)

I spent way more money buying store-bought gifts this year for the kids than I did last year when I made almost every single one.

My kids have hardly had any vegetables for the past several weeks because I’ve been feeding them Chef Boyardee and frozen chicken nuggets. (Well, they aren’t frozen anymore when I serve them.)

But why is it so hard to give yourself a break? Nobody’s expecting me to do anything. Lots of people have even asked if we were planning to even attend family holiday traditions because they would understand if I just wanted to stay home.

When Eddie comes home from work and starts cleaning up around the house because I didn’t do it I feel guilty.

When we look across the street and see the neighbors’ house all decked out and pretty I feel guilty because we’re certainly not giving them much to look at right now.

When I have to call and ask people to watch my kids for an indefinite amount of time because I’m being sent into the hospital again I feel guilty.

When I know the awesome plans I had to make people gifts this year and what they will be getting instead, I feel guilty.

Knowing my sister is spending her last college vacation ever staying at my house to watch my kids and cook and clean for us while I’m having my c-section makes me feel kind of guilty.

I know I shouldn’t because it’s really, really stupid.

I know everyone is happy to help and that I can’t do everything, but I also wanted to make this year extra special for Nick & Abby since they will be feeling left out when the new baby comes.

It’s dumb to think that they even care.

We try to focus more on Jesus’s birthday than the commercial side of it, but Santa will still be coming with every toy on their list, plus some. (Lucky for us all they asked for was an airplane and a Dora doll.)

There will still be cookies, although they might be Oreos. When you are in preschool a cookie is a cookie.

My family still gets fed. (And Nicholas still tells me, “Mommy, you are a good chef-er.” when I feed him frozen pizzas.)

They like driving around at night looking at other people’s Christmas lights.

They’ll probably look back at this year just like all the others, but I still know it’s different.

And at the end of it we’ll have one of the best Christmas presents ever, another one of these:

 
 
 

Update on Nicholas

By: Stephanie2 Comments

I’m very happy to report that all of a sudden Nicholas is doing amazingly well! (For those of you who don’t know, our son is adopted and has been struggling for a few years with severe behavior problems related to his attachment to me.)

Milestones for special needs kids

First, apparently, we are potty trained! I have to give my husband full credit for that one. On Saturday he decided to put Nick in underwear and stick with it. He took Nicholas everywhere he went (Lowes, Target, the dump…) that day and just kept changing him when he had an accident. Nick had 9 accidents that day and I truly thought that he just wasn’t ready yet, but then the next day we tried the underwear again & there were NO accidents. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t had one since, and we are going on the fourth day. I think seeing that daddy really wanted this from him made him try harder than when I was doing the same thing. I know there might be some regression, especially with the new baby coming, but I am SO happy that he is making this kind of progress!!! He’s going to kindergarten next year and I was worried he would be held back or sent to the school for kids with special needs just because he wasn’t potty trained yet.

Second, we have been seeing some dramatic improvement in his behavior. He still hits us and tends to have an inappropriate level of anger over minor issues, but he is really working on it and genuinely sorry afterward. The biting, throwing things, and other destructive behaviors (knocking over the tv, taking markers to the furniture, etc) really haven’t been around for a few months. I’ve sent Abby in with him to his last few play therapy appointments so he could practice playing with peers & I have really seen him trying to apply the skills his therapist has been working on with him. I also haven’t gotten any poor behavior reports from preschool, which is awesome because it was about this time last year that he was taking off his clothes and rubbing feces on the floor. (God must have been working overtime in those teachers’ hearts because I truly don’t know how he never got expelled.)

And finally, he actually seems to be learning lessons from his mistakes. This is huge because, obviously, that’s a really important skill to have as an adult and I honestly didn’t know if that would ever happen, so to see it clicking at four and a half is pretty amazing. It gives much more hope to his future.

Yesterday, for example, my friend Staci & I were at our church sorting clothes that had been donated. The clothes were in a small room behind a stage and in front of the stage is a large open area, so my kids and her youngest daughter, who is the same age as Nick, were running around in the open area playing tag while we moved the clothes to where they needed to be, keeping an eye on the kids as best as we could, but there really wasn’t much that they could get into.

Except there was a water fountain.

And Nicholas & his friend were very proud of themselves for making up a new version of tag, one where you took a big drink from the water fountain & then ran after your friend spitting the water at him/her. They both got pretty wet and the floor was gross.

But they are four and they honestly didn’t know they were doing something wrong, so I didn’t feel comfortable punishing them, although it was pretty exasperating for me to have to deal with. So instead I had them clean it up as best as they could with paper towels from the bathroom & I obviously told them that we couldn’t play games that involved spitting or destroying the church. But Nick didn’t seem to be affected at all by having to clean it up or my talking with him, so I thought I needed to make the lesson stick a little better.

We went home and got some money from his piggy bank & took it back to the church office. I called to make sure someone would be available, then we drove right back over there. Our pastor took some time and talked to Nicholas very patiently about what it means to be tempted & thanked him for admitting he did something wrong & trying to make it right. Then Pastor Bob asked Nick what he should do if he was tempted to spit again & guess what?

Nick actually said, “Maybe don’t spit?” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That might not seem like a big deal to you, but my kid has never in his life made a connection like that before & I didn’t know if it was a skill I’d ever be able to help him learn, so for us it was huge. In the past, he would have changed the subject & started talking about the airshow he saw last month or something.

And this morning when he hit his sister at breakfast & I asked him what Pastor Bob said to do if we found himself wanting to do something he knew he shouldn’t he said, “Don’t hit Abby. Sorry, Abby. ”

That’s what I call progress!

It would have been so much easier & faster to just put him in time out for the whole spit tag thing, but I’m really glad I took the time to try to make it a learning experience because it certainly paid off.

The Potty Training Journey

By: Stephaniecomment

“Don’t pee on your cupcakes.”

Sometimes as a mom weird stuff comes out of your mouth. That one was in reference to my daughter keeping the cupcake printed fabric on her new undies dry. This post is going to be full of way too much information. Feel free to stop reading now. Unless you are a foster or adoptive parent on this journey with me (or just the curious but nonjudgmental type), then feel free to commiserate.

Potty Training and Adoption

We are knee-deep in potty training boot(y) camp over here.

Abby, 2, is doing surprisingly well. Or maybe it just seems easy in comparison.

With Nicholas, 4, is a nightmare, as expected.

I’ve shared before that Nicholas is adopted out of the foster care system. It is very normal for former foster kids to have toileting issues. It is one of the very few things in their lives they have any control over. Logically and professionally I know this. Realistically, it is a gigantic pain in the butt. (Sometimes quite literally for the poor little dude.)

The pediatrician and several psychologists have all said to wait and he will be ready eventually. It’s not considered a delay unless a child is 5 and not toilet trained, but we have already wound up in the hospital and at several appointments, with a GI specialist because our son is anal-retentive. Literally. As in the kid refuses to poop. Which causes all kinds of nasty side effects, like getting impacted to the point that he starts having very painful colon spasms.

Ever had to call a friend to come over and help you give a toddler an enema? Not. Fun.

Thankfully, our preschool allows Pull-ups, but there have been plenty of other activities that we avoid because they require kids to be potty trained by this age.

So you can understand why we were super excited when on our 7-hour trip home from the beach last weekend Nick decided to use the potty at every rest stop and kept his Pull-up dry. I even had the pleasure of balancing 5 months pregnant, squatting in the back seat, and helping him pee in a bottle while we were stuck in a traffic jam. We thought, Hey look, where we are at eventually. He’s ready to get started.

And he is. He can do it. He really doesn’t want to, but he’s ready. Thus begins my nightmare…

Nick fights me hard about anything he doesn’t want to do, potty training being very near the top of the list. (Kids with attachment issues usually take them out on the mother figure.)

He did extremely well yesterday morning. He stayed dry for several hours. I gave him all kinds of praise and decided to take the kids outside to ride their bikes since it was such a beautiful day. Everything was perfect until it was time to go inside and make lunch and try to use the potty again.

Then he bit me in the leg.
Then he punched me in the stomach and rammed into me hard enough to knock me over.
Then he peed in his pants on purpose.
Before the end of the day, I had also been kicked and spit on.
Plus he attacked Abby several times.
The dog didn’t fare much better.

I think that he’s fighting extra hard because we just got back from vacation and he always has a rough time when Eddie has to go back to work after they have a long time together.

Three years in and every time I think we are making progress it seems to start all over. It’s frustrating and depressing and very easy to get caught in the “what am I doing wrong” trap, but it’s not about me.

That’s the hardest part. It might actually be impossible. At least it’s the part we fail at the most often: remaining neutral. Yesterday I was not neutral. There was a lot of yelling going on from both parties. I am always careful not to say anything hurtful. Always phrase sentences to say things like, “You cannot kick mommy. Kicking is bad. (Never “You are bad.”) You cannot hurt mommy’s tummy, it might hurt the baby who lives there right now…” but sometimes they come out much louder and harsher than they should. It always, always makes the situation worse.

At least I know while I’m doing it and I can stop and walk away, which I hate doing because it breaks his little heart and there is nothing I hate more in life than hearing him cry and scream “Mommy, please don’t leave me.” while I walk away because I know I can’t handle it right now. The extra hormones from the pregnancy don’t help much either, but

It’s my job to be stronger than that.

One of my colleagues, another parenting specialist, posted this on Facebook yesterday to promote child abuse prevention. At the time it made me feel terrible because, although I would never behave like the mom in the story, I knew I had lost entirely too much patience with Nicholas, but it is also a sobering reminder of why we are doing what we do:

A child said to his mom, “Mommy, I colored your sheets with lipstick!” In anger, she started to hit her child until he was unconscious. Then, she regretted what she had done and crying said to her child, “Please open your eyes!” But it was too late, his tiny heart had stopped beating. When she walked into her bedroom, the sheet said “I LOVE YOU MOMMY.”

Sometimes Nicholas does frustrating and even bad things. That doesn’t make him a bad kid. It is my job to protect his heart.

Today I will guard it better.

*UPDATE! We did it (x 3)! I wrote a few posts about everything I learned potty training 3 kids. Click the posts below for my favorite tips.

Child on potty play with toilet paper, isolated over white

Potty Training Tips

Potty Training Advice From Real Moms

Potty Training Advice From Real Moms

Make an easy potty training chart 

How to Make an Easy Potty Training Sticker Chart

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggg!

By: Stephanie2 Comments

“Don’t you think maybe you should punish him for that?”

“No.”

“Ok, but he just threw a bowl of hot soup across the room during a screaming temper tantrum for no reason.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Actually, there was a reason. A dumb reason. Dinner being ready meant we had to pause the Veggie Tales movie.

My brother is staying with us this week. He’s 15 and a really good kid, but he doesn’t get Nicholas’ condition. I don’t blame him, it’s hard to understand why a kid wouldn’t be punished for throwing soup across the room, or kicking his pregnant mother in the stomach on purpose, or sneaking out of his room while everyone’s asleep and climbing up on the kitchen countertops and throwing all the “out of reach” stuff all over the kitchen floor.

I tried explaining it, the 11 (eleven!) specialists, the fact that he is just different and the way we need to parent him is backward of common sense. The comments come. From my brother, from other well-meaning relatives, from strangers…

“You need to do _____, then he’ll learn.”

You need to SHUT UP.

I did everything. I do everything.

 

Keep your parenting advice to yourself

Yes, I know he’s 4 and not potty trained. I’m the one home all day changing the huge diapers, thanks.

Yes, I know he should get more sleep. We’re the ones up 4 times every night with him and his ridiculous demands, thanks.

Yes, I tried the gluten-free diet and supplements and no red dye and blah, blah, blah, thanks.

Yes, I know how a child “should” be disciplined. I have a Master’s Degree in education, a specialist certificate, certification in two states, and I am employed as a professional parenting specialist. Want to see my badge?

Mostly, I write this just to vent, but also to beg you to please, please, please keep your parenting advice to yourself unless you fully understand and appreciate a situation.

Do not make any snide remarks (or even “helpful” ones for that matter) to the mom with the bratty kids in line at Target.

Because it might be me, and if it is you will go home headless and I will need to buy more dental floss to get your b**** a*** neck skin out of my teeth.

And the Target brand dental floss is crap, so it’s really best all around if you just keep it to yourself.

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